“And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go f**k yourself, San Diego.” But first, before we get down to business, I want to pour a little of the 40 out for my friends down in San Diego who are losing their team to Los Angeles. Dean Spanos, cheapest-ass owner in the game, has packed up 55 years of history and told the city of San Diego to go screw themselves. Like some of our civic “leaders” in Seattle, many of the San Diego politicians helped him pack too. They’re going to play in a soccer stadium for the next couple years that seats 30,000. There’s a joke in there about if they’ll actually be able to sell it out, but today’s not the day to make that joke.
“Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!” Quote from the movie, or quote from the offensive line after that game last Saturday? Tough call. In fairness, they did look good. You don’t have running back rush for a postseason team record without the line having a solid day. Granted, they did that against 18th ranked rushing defense, but that O-line has made mediocre defenses look like the ’85 Bears at times this year.
“Let's go over the ground rules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!” It’s sad and frustrating that I have to do this, but last Saturday reminded me that I obviously have to go over the ground rules again. Rule #1, when the Seahawks are on offense, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! AND THAT’S IT!!! I couldn’t count the number of times that some “12 since ’12” (copyright Alex Akita/Seattle Sportsnet) started (or tried to start) a SEA….HAWKS! chant while the offense was on the field. Some of these rubes actually stood up and were at full throat when the Hawks were going for it on 4th down. There were almost incidents of “12 on 12” crime when these newbies were shouted down by people who’d actually been to a game before. I was just stunned that a playoff game had turned into amateur hour. As Shooter McGavin would say, go back to your shanties.
“The human torch was denied a bank loan.” Which is too bad, because he’d need one to find his way to Atlanta. Delta, team airline of the Seahaws, is giving the 12’s a fantastic deal. You want to go to the ATL for the game on Saturday? We’ll put you in a cramped middle seat and hassle you with our battleax flight attendants for the low, low price of $1,050. On the plus side, you can get in the building for what it normally costs to park at a Seahawks playoff game. No wonder billboards in Atlanta have popped up imploring you to buy tickets. To paraphrase Harry Doyle from Major League, “they’re not the worst fans in sports for nothing folks”.
“You dirtbags have been in third place for five years. Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place.” Ok, maybe the Falcons haven’t been in 3rd place that long, but it’s not like this team is some unstoppable force. Matt Ryan’s 1-4 in his career in playoff games. Tom Brady, he is not. Hell, even Mike Vick had more playoff wins for the Falcons.
“I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.” But that’s what I’m worried about. That Falcons offense has the ability to storm any castle. We saw it in person in Week 6 when in the 3rd quarter they had 3 straight drives for touchdowns, 2 of which included embarrassingly open receivers. We’ll be down an LOB member with Earl out, but we were down one in that game earlier in the year as Kam was still out with his injuries.
“Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.” Speaking of. Paging Kam Chancellor. Kam Chancellor, your presence is requested in the ribs of Julio Jones. The LOB is going to need to live up to its name in order for the Hawks to pull this out. Intimidation will be the word of the day. Kind of like in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse years ago. The word of the day comes up and every loses their shit. If Kam gives Julio the “Vernon Davis”, trust me we’ll all lose our shit in a similar way.
“Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast. It jumped up a notch.” And that’s what it will do if the Hawks trot out yet another slowwwwww road start. I’m done with Pom Pom Pete’s saying of you can’t win it in the 1st quarter, you can’t win it in the 2nd quarter, blah blah blah. You know what you can do? You can lose it in the 1st quarter. You can lose it in the 2nd quarter. Evidence? Exhibit A your honor, the divisional playoff last year in Charlotte. Down 31-0 at halftime. We’re not the Buffalo Bills and Frank Reich ain’t walking in that door. You know what’s ok? 17-14 at half. Or maybe 14-10. Give yourself a reasonable chance to have Russell pull his Houdini act in the 4th quarter.
“You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.” I wish I had more hair and I wish less of it was going gray. And I’m certainly not miniature. But I am wise. I’ve gone back and forth on this game all week. I’ve got scars from what happened in Charlotte last year. I’m encouraged by what happened last week. History tells us that the road team in this round only has a 25% chance to win. Let’s see here. Houston? Surely you jest. Pittsburgh? Dammit, that backfired. They’re pretty good. Green Bay? Crap, this isn’t working the way I thought. Ah, screw it. None of the road teams won last week and that never happens in the Wild Card round. Time for a statistical anomaly.
Seahawks 27, Falcons 23