Well, well, well….we meet again. Seahawks fans…national media. National media…Seahawks fans. If we thought the NFL was avoiding putting nationally televised games in Seattle before, we now have reason number 133. Granted, nobody actually knew anything was wrong until about 20 minutes after the game, but we can’t let a good controversy go to waste. Anytime ESPN can milk something for a good 24-48 hours, you know they’ll do so. In my mind, Seattle is still in a pretty massive deficit in the ledger of positive/negative side of controversial calls. It’s going to take winning a Super Bowl on the kind of call we saw on Monday night to make up for Super Bowl XL.
“Frankly sir, I’m…I’m just as tired of all this as you are” Yep, I’m tired of talking about BatGate too. At least this time it sounds like something Batman possibly could have had on his utility belt. Not exactly sure what he’d do with it of course. Anyway, yes, the Seahawks technically got a break on Monday night if we’re going by the letter of the law. Aren’t you breaking the law when you’re doing 75 in eastern Washington when there’s nobody around? There wasn’t anyone within 6 yards of KJ Wright when he did that. Had he tripped and while in the process of flailing his arms knocked the ball away, it’s not even a penalty. This is just stupid. Detroit sucks and personally I like the rest of the nation hating Seattle. Let’s move on.
“Who’s she? Bailey Quarters. She work here? Uh-huh. I like her. I know, you say that every time you meet her. I do?” We’ve got our own Bailey and apparently he’s not real happy here at Shangri-La. Alvin, possibly after a few adult beverages, got on Twitter the other night announcing his yearning to be in any of the other 31 cities in the NFL. Aside from the fact that there are only 30 other cities in the NFL (can’t count New York twice there Alvin), I think he should have set his sights elsewhere. Like, say, Edmonton or Winnipeg. Maybe Hamilton. Because if you can’t get in the starting lineup of this crap sandwich of an offensive line, rest assured no other NFL team is looking to pluck you away from here. Your best bet is playing in a country where there football only has 3 downs, where less blocking is required.
“I’ve been checking around. I don’t see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap. Oh, you’ll understand when you see the response you get.” And now the Seahawks get to wing their way to Cincinnati, home of the lowest return on investment for a football team in the last 30 years. Anyone have a guess as to the year of their last playoff victory? Anyone? Bueller? Some of you may not have been born yet. Yep, that’d be 1990. Granted, it doesn’t help that they went on a playoff appearance drought all together for the next 15 years after that last win. But in their last 6 playoff appearances, only one time did they lose by less than 10 points. They’re winning their division and getting blown out in the first round. I’d think by now the only people dumb enough to advertise with this team are those douches from Draft Kings and FanDuel. And that’s going to last about another 2 days before that gets shut down with racketeering charges.
“Bailey, you’ll lead us in a team prayer. Why me? Because you’re the most wholesome.” Bring it in. Take a knee. Let’s all join in a prayer for Russell Wilson. 18 sacks in 4 games is a recipe for something that tastes like that damn chili they sling in Cincinnati. Also, if I’m doing my math right, that’s a pace that would equal 72 sacks by year’s end. 72 sacks??!! Even Stan Gelbaugh, Dan McGwire, and Jeff Kemp just cringed at that number.
“How many times have you said to yourself, ‘if I knew then what I know now’? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn’t used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now”. Pete Carroll press conference or quote from Mr. Carlson? Here’s what I know now. Trying to convert defensive linemen into offensive linemen isn’t a successful strategy. Trying to acquire enough talent with a budget of half of what you just spent on your quarterback is less than optimal. Turning a guy who got fired from the Raiders into some sort of o-line demi-god probably wasn’t a great idea. I was one of the few nervous ones when that Unger-Graham trade went down. I didn’t like weakening the already weakest unit on the team. I like it even less since we’re using Jimmy Graham only marginally more in the red zone than we’re using me.
“Why Herb, this is a really fine French wine! Is it? Well, I told the guy to give me the best he’s got in the store without going over 14 bucks?” Such is the life of the Cincinnati Bengals with their ginger QB. So far this year, looks like a world beater. Looks like they’re getting their money’s worth right now. Yet, lurking, always lurking, is the fact that this guy is actually 2-buck Chuck. I really wished that this was a Sunday night game, because Dalton’s ability to melt under the lights is without equal. He’s the anti-Russell Wilson. Alas, he’s the anti-Russell Wilson in other ways too. Such as having an elite receiver to throw to in AJ Green. Well, I guess we have an elite receiver too, but for some reason we keep asking him to block.
“As God as my witness…I thought turkeys could fly.” We also thought Justin Britt could block, Chris Matthews was the next Megatron after that Super Bowl performance, and Brandon Mebane would stay healthy. Sadly, no. This game feels eerily similar to that one last year in Kansas City, minus the freezing temperatures and food poisoning that Arrowhead Stadium was serving up. Thankfully we all remember what happened after that KC game.
“The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it’s time for this message. ‘Wouldn’t a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would’….Sure it would.” Ok, it might be 10am, but this feels like we’re going to need beverages early and often on Sunday. The Seahawks record on the road after playing on Monday night is abysmal. It’s the dreaded eastern time zone early game. Cincinnati is at its peak in the 5th week of the season, whereas the Hawks tend to peak about Week 10 and roll from there. Just feels like a recipe for a rough day.
Bengals 24, Seahawks 17