Week 2: At San Diego: "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong." You could be forgiven if you thought that was Chargers owner Alex Spanos instead of George Costanza. The poor Bolts have never won a Super Bowl and haven't been to one since 1995 when the Niners gave them a beatdown that was only rivaled by what the Seahawks did to the Broncos in February. If the cost of flights are any indication, Jack Murphy Stadium will be packed with a large contingent of the 12th Man, yours truly included. The level of tomfoolery and ballyhoo will be incredibly high. Since it'll essentially be a home game for the Hawks, I see them going to 2-0.
Week 3: Home vs. Denver: "When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing." If you were looking for a word to describe Denver's performance in the Super Bowl, manure would be refreshing. Apparently Peyton Manning's Forehead doesn't believe you should use "embarassing" so I would think manure would be an acceptable alternative. The Bronco Buster t-shirts will be dug out from closets all over Puget Sound as Seahawk fans remind Peyton Manning that the noise he heard in East Rutherford is nowhere near what he's going to hear from a stadium 100% filled with 12's. While I don't expect 43-8 again, I do expect 41-10. 3-0.
Week 4: Bye. "You know, they botched my vasectomy? They botched it? I'm even more potent now." If you didn't get it done during the first couple days of the NCAA tournament, the weekend of Sept. 27-28th might be a good time to get the ol' snip job done since there won't be any Seahawk football you'd be missing during your recovery. On second thought, it'd be good to get it done that weekend because without Seahawk football, the wife might want you to actually get things done around the house and you won't have a Seahawk game excuse to use, so best to use this one.
Week 5: At Washington on Monday Night: "She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." Ugh, the four worst words in the English language. That, or "Who's bra is this?". And the three worst words associated with any athlete? Doctor James Andrews. If Robert Griffin III keeps up his style of play, Dr. Andrews will be opening up a satellite office in Washington DC. It really makes you appreciate Russell Wilson and his ability to either get out of bounds, slide, or get rid of the ball before being blasted. The kids from the Little League World Series could charge a pretty penny teaching Griffin how to slide. Given what we've seen so far this preseason, I'm guessing 73.2% of the ESPN pregame show will be debate about whether or not Griffin or Kirk Cousins should be the starter. Of course, if RGIII keeps taking hits like this, the decision may have already been made. Like last year, the Seahawks end of the first quarter of their season 4-0.
Week 6: Home vs. Dallas: "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it." Jerry Jones, as long as you believe Tony Romo's a good quarterback, we're not going to tell you differently. The Cowboys come back to their house of horrors. Whether it's the 2005 game that Drew Bledsoe so graciously handed to us, or the Wild Card playoff game in 2007 where Tony Romo couldn't handle the lubed-up ball we snuck in there (oh wait, are we still not supposed to make that public), or the drubbing the Seahawks handed them in the 2012 home opener, the Cowboys could certainly do without seeing Seattle on their schedule. The defense Dallas trotted out there last year was on par with the 2008 Washington Husky defense. Now they're without DeMarcus Ware since he left for Denver and Sean Lee's out for the season with an injury. If you listen carefully, you'll be able to hear Percy Harvin salivate that week. 5-0
Week 7: At St. Louis: "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!" Or, it might be Sam Bradford. I do feel bad for this guy though. After a roughly 10 month process of ACL surgery and rehab, this guy tears that same ACL on the same knee in a meaningless preseason game with what looked to be a fairly benign hit. So, at least for right now, the Rams are hanging their hopes on the arm of Shaun Hill. There have been rumors of a Tim Tebow re-birth or trading their next 5 drafts to Philly for Mark Sanchez, but ultimately I think they stick with Hill and the rest of the NFC West smiles in response. That defense, and particularly that defensive line, will be very good, but you do eventually have to score points. This feels like another game where you'd take the under. Unfortunately, this also feels like a trap game with Legatron kicking a 62-yarder to win giving the Hawks their first loss of the year. 5-1
Week 8: At Carolina: "So how was it? I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks. Well, its a first visit. Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this." Well, it may not be 2 minutes, but for the $75 you're paying to watch the Panthers, at least you'd like to be entertained. Cam Newton is essentially a one man show out there now since all his receivers left for greener pastures. While Charlotte has definitely been a place the Seahawks have had their struggles over the years, I think this game is a bounce back and they get to 6-1.
Week 9: Home vs. Oakland: "My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well." Which would serve you well if you're a Raider fan. You learn at an early age to expect bitter disappointment. The Raiders make their way north 2 days after Halloween so you know Pioneer Square will be packed with the Black Hole degenerates who rented their costumes for a few extra days. On the plus side, the Hawks will get to see their old friend Matt Schaub who was kind enough to provide the Seahawks with one of their greatest comebacks in franchise history when he was in Houston last year. This has the feeling of the Jacksonville and Minnesota games last year. Just one big party of watching the Hawks dispose of a team with relative ease, bringing the first half record to 7-1.
Coming up at some point in the next few days: Part Two of the Season Preview