In any case, the Giants are a shell of their former selves. Their offensive line is a dumpster fire. Eli Manning has the permanent Eli Manning Face going. Even Victor Cruz' salsa dance is lacking some cilantro. Chalk it up as a win to send the Hawks to 8-1.
Week 11: At Kansas City. "A house in the Hamptons? Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons." The Chiefs tried that last year, starting off 9-0. Of course they were doing it against the dregs of the NFL and once they started playing decent teams, their story started to unravel, just like when George started driving the Ross' out to his non-existent place in the Hamptons. Ultimately, they were found out to be the frauds they truly were when they lost 45-44 in the playoffs to the Colts after having a 38-10 lead. Now, Arrowhead historically has been a house of horrors for the Hawks. I can't even begin to count the number of times that Christian Okoye pummeled the defense. Or how many times JJ Birden would crush our hopes of winning with a seemingly impossible catch. But those days are over. This team fears no opposing stadium. Plus, the stats show that when you improve more than 6 games over your prior year's record, you inevitably regress the next year. Time for Kansas City regression and the Hawks to go to 9-1.
Week 12: Home vs. Arizona. "If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side." The Cardinals, obviously not wanting to be part of a civil society, decided they would thumb their nose at the notion that you're just supposed to lose when you come to Seattle and then be on your way. Although, I can't be too mad. I honestly think that home loss to the Cardinals late in the year was just what this team needed to keep them focused and grounded on their way to winning the Super Bowl. No longer were they invincible at home. No longer could they just take for granted that the Cardinals would be roadkill. But the Cardinals will not sneak up on the Hawks again at home this year. It may not be the 59-0 pasting from 2012, but look for the Hawks to get a little revenge and move to 10-1.
Week 13: At Santa Clara on Thanksgiving Night. "Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony down there. So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable? UNDATABLE!! So how are all these people gettin' together? Alcohol." Ahhh...Niners fans. So undateable and yet they seem to multiply with relative ease. The Hawks get their first look at Mom Jeans Stadium, where apparently $1.4 billion doesn't buy you grass that can last more than a week. Ol' Great Gazoo Colin Kaepernick got his big contract in the offseason and oh boy does he look like a guy that just got paid this preseason. He's 12 for 22 with 115 yards and an interception in 3 preseason games. However, the Hawks just can't seem to buy a win against the Niners in the Bay Area since Douchebag Harbaugh Style became the coach. Combine that with the short week of preparation and I think we're looking at the second loss of the year. 10-2
Week 14: At Philadelphia. "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp." Let's be honest, Jerry could have easily been talking about Chip Kelly during his time with Oregon with that rant as he was about Tim Whatley. The Hawks make their last east coast trip of the year the first weekend in December. Don't know if any of you remember, but the first weekend in December last year brought the massive snowstorm to Philly that the Eagles & Lions played in. I'd be ok not having a repeat of that. We'll see if Nick Foles can build on his nice year in 2013 as he gets a true test against the Legion of Boom. The defensive line of the Hawks gets a test of their own as they go up against one of the best in LeSean McCoy. The nice part is there's no DeSean Jackson to worry about and I think the Hawks get back on track and go to 11-2. Quick side note, this most likely will be the game where we bring our tailgate to our friends at North Sound Brewing in Mount Vernon. If you're in the area, stop by and say hi, while enjoying some of the finest beer the northwest has to offer.
Week 15: Home vs. Santa Clara. "Serenity now. Serenity now. What is that? Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW!" Are you supposed to yell it? The man on the tape wasn't specific." The Frank Costanza of NFL coaches brings his Niners to Seattle for their yearly ass whipping. The difference this year is thanks to the NFL's new Seahawk rule, that game won't be on national tv since the league got tired of airing blowouts to the whole country. You wonder how many pairs of underwear Kaepernick will go through that afternoon. You know visions of Kam Chancellor and Richard Sherman cause him bouts of incontinence. The Tattooed One, as he always does, makes poor judgments at the wrong time and the Hawks are able to move to 12-2, possibly clinching the division in the process.
Week 16: At Arizona. "Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo. I was never impeached! I resigned! Even so, the press would bury him! What press? The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze. Pinko Commie rag!" The last road game of the year takes the Hawks to the land of retirement condos and Pinko Commie rag newsletters. While the powers that be won't show the Seahawks on national tv when they're at home, apparently they'll showcase them when they're on the road as this one is a Sunday Night game as it sits right now. If memory serves, and I like to think it does, that stadium was 25% Seahawks fans last year, pre-Super Bowl championship. Anyone care to take a guess what percentage it'll be this year? At this point, the Cardinals may very well be out of it and their fans will be happy to sell their tickets so they don't have to sacrifice another Early Bird Special. The Hawks take care of business in the desert once again and head home 13-2.
Week 17: Home vs. St. Louis. "I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery. Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise." Should my outlandish predictions come true, that last home game will be the equivalent of a shirtless George Costanza working on a car battery of cheese. Just one big bachelor party. The division should definitely be clinched. Unless someone like New Orleans or Chicago figures out a way to go 14-2, the #1 seed in the playoffs should be clinched as well. So, there's a decent chance we only see the starters for the first few series and then just kick back and bask in the glow of awesomeness that is another #1 seed. The Seahawks have always wanted to be a team that's constantly improving. I'd say a 1 game improvement over 2013 fits that bill and we end up the year 14-2.
So, as you've read through the 2-part preview I have but one question for all of you. "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?" GO HAWKS!!