Yeah, I know a lot can happen between now and Sunday, but I've got too much going on Thursday and we're heading for the Bavarian Wonderland of Leavenworth for Oktoberfest on Friday.  So, we preview the Hawks-Falcons game today.  In a tribute to one of the great comedic actors who we lost this past year, let's look into the crystal ball of this Sunday's game through the eyes of The Naked Gun. 

"I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils."  To Chris Clemmons.  That was easily the best performance by a defensive lineman that I've seen in that stadium the past 5 years.  We're going to need a repeat effort on Sunday.  Maybe we can get an officiating crew to call a hold once in a while if Atlanta's offensive line tries the tactics that Arizona used.  Can we get Ed Hochuli and his guns for this game?  He's never shied away from throwing a flag. 

"Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?  I used to have that problem.  What did you do about it?  I just think about baseball."  Atlanta could have used that advice in their game against Tampa last Sunday.  Late in the 4th quarter, trailing by 3, needing to get the ball back, and having Tampa go for it on 4th and 1, what do they do?  Fall for the oldest trick in the book and jump on Josh Freeman's hard count.  Tampa gets a first down, and in front of their 50 fans, gets into the victory formation.  Are we paying attention, Seahawk coaching staff?

"Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!  He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.  Well, uh... " Watching Tarvaris "survey" the field on Sunday, you got the feeling he was spending his entire time back there looking for the missing evidence in the Kelner case.  One of the nice things about sitting in the upper deck like I do is being able to get a better view of defenses and how receivers are getting open.  Tarvaris just looked indecisive, especially if Sidney Rice either wasn't on the field or open immediately.  Time to look a little faster there T-Jack before this season gets sent to the chair. 

"Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing? It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover..."  This one leapt out at me thinking of Todd Heap laying on the Seahawk Stadium turf on Sunday after Kam Chancellor gave him a love tap that cost the Hawks 15 yards.  Kam, do that once against Roddy White on Sunday and we've got a good chance.  He had a case of the drops last Sunday and one good shot should bring it back.   

"You want to take a dinghy?  No, I took care of that at the press conference."  At times, it looked like that was going to be the preferred mode of transportation to and from the game last Sunday.  While the forecast looks marginally better for this week, best to be prepared, especially if you're in the Hawks Nest.   

"Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane."  Offense, there's a reason you weren't introduced at Seahawks Stadium on Sunday.  We need to see some points before you get to come out of the tunnel with the fireworks going. 

"All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done"  Aimed right at ya, Atlanta.  Sure, you may have come in here last year and wiped the floor with us.  Sure, you were the instigators that caused the "Charlie....Charlie....Charlie" chants to cascade down upon the field.  But, it is obvious that you are not the juggernaut you were last year.  There looks to be a lingering hangover from the whooping Green Bay gave you at home in the playoffs.  While I may have a lingering hangover after Oktoberfest events this weekend, I don't have to face a charged-up Seahawks defense. 

Let's even up this record at 2-2.  12th Man, the effort was ok on Sunday, but a little lacking at times.  We're going to need a big effort out of everyone to rattle Matt Ryan. 

Well, it wasn't pretty and for some reason I think that group of referees did the Friday Harbor-Nooksack Valley clash on Friday night, but a win is a win, particularly in the division.  A nice defensive showing, particularly from Chris Clemmons who should probably go see his local attorney-at-law about filing molestation charges against Arizona's offensive line.  Let's re-live the game through Mike & Trent's adventures in Swingers.

"Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot."  For some reason, this line jumped to mind after Kam Chancellor just destroyed Todd Heap in the 1st quarter.  The fact that this was a penalty was a travesty.  But you did get the feeling that some of the Arizona guys would have taken Kam out if they could have.  Thankfully it worked the other way and that hit served as a catalyst for very hard-nosed play by the Hawks defense all day. 

"Our baby's all grown up."  This award can go to both Kam Chancellor and Sidney Rice.  Just excellent play from both of them.  Plus, Sidney Rice's performance got everyone a free donut at Top Pot. 

"Y'know, it's not so much me as Roenick; he's good."  To Chris Clemmons.  While you never want to compare anybody to the original Tecmo Bowl Lawrence Taylor, Chris Clemmons was having a Taylor-esque performance yesterday despite being held, having hands in his face mask, or being plain tackled on just about every play. 

"How many strokes? I don't know. Eight or Nine.  I'll give you an eight. What'd you get? An eight.
Looks like we're in a dead heat after one hole. This is turning into quite a rivalry."  Can't help but think of Mike and Rob's game on a par-3 course on the same level as that game yesterday and the NFC West as a whole.  While the whole division is one big pile of suck, I find some entertainment in the whole thing.  More than likely, every team will be mathematically alive for the division title in Week 15.  It'll be so much fun to listen to the whining and hand-wringing of the national media in Week 17 surrounding the home game that the NFC West division winner will get in the first round of the playoffs. 

"You're so money and you don't even know it!"  While Trent was serious when he said this to Mike, I'm using this in the sarcastic fashion aimed squarely at Jay Feely.  He returned to his house of horrors (see Giants at Seahawks, November 2005) and chopped underneath the ball on a 49 yard try to tie the game coming up woefully short.  Yeah, it was a little windy yesterday, but you know Seahawks Stadium was squarely inside the head of Feely. 

Before we get to the preview this week, a quick plea to Seahawk Nation.  I touched on this a few weeks back, but wanted to mention it again.  You stay classy Seahawks fans.  I know most of you are filled with piss and vinegar right now about this team (and believe me I'm right there with you).  But that doesn't give us an excuse to get into fights either with each other or the smattering of Cardinals fans that will be at the game on Sunday.  By all means, boo the guy with the Larry Fitzgerald jersey who's carrying cotton candy back to his seat.  Go ahead and give some good-natured heckling about stacking groceries to the guy in the Kurt Warner jersey.  But don't get nasty, don't get obscene, leave the gay slurs out of it.  If someone in your section starts the chants for Charlie and you don't agree, just let it go.  It's a game and we're there to have fun. 

Ok, there's your sermon for the week.  On to the preview through the genius of Swingers:

"Look at this, okay.  I want you to remember this face here, okay.  This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy".  To Marshawn Lynch.  We need you to be that guy.  We need Beast Mode to make its triumphant return to Seahawks Stadium.  When you score your first touch down on Sunday, go ahead and grab your junk again as you leap backwards.  Maybe we can cause some more seismic activity.

"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man."  To the offensive line.  I hesitate to bring back the pile of suck that was the Jim Mora era, but we need you guys to be dirtbags.  If you have to dive at the knees of Darnell Dockett to prevent a sack, ok.  If you happen to accidentally leg whip someone while you're run blocking, that's ok too.  Hopefully Tom Cable's teaching you how to do that without getting caught.

"I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here".  To the national media and to a certain extent our friend Pep who we just about bought a #99 Rams jersey a few years back.  If the media's not servicing the Rams and Sam Bradford, they're servicing Kevin Kolb and the Cardinals.  Well guess what?  That stops on Sunday.  Kevin Kolb has yet to face the roar of the 12th Man.  Sure, he's aware of it since he was with the Eagles when they were here a few years back.  But Kolb's only concern that day was how to keep the clipboard from getting wet. 

"So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her? Right. Although probably more likely the opposite".  One of the more funny, confusing moments in the movie, and it fits perfectly with Brandon Browner.  Our latest incarnation of Kelly Jennings and Terrell Bierria said the other day that going against Larry Fitzgerald won't be all that tough.  After all, he's no Mike Williams or Sidney Rice.  You're absolutely right Brandon.  Larry knows how to get open and occasionally finds his way on to the field.  The only thing you have going for you is that he's not as fast as Mike Wallace was last week.  Although I'm beginning to wonder if you could even cover Mike Wallace from 60 Minutes. 

"I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. Single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley, perhaps, any Glen."  Well, I can't guarantee that we'll have a bar as well stocked as that on Sunday, but it'll be close.  Maybe if you're real nice, I'll share the private stash.   The password will be Crown Royal. 

"You ready hip hop? You ready New Kids on the Block?"  You ready for another season of Seahawk home games?  Because I am.  This promises to be a great year of tailgating.  We'll have some new features, some new people, old friends, and great times.  This Sunday starts the turnaround to the Seahawks season.  My 9-7 preseason prediction may have been just a bit on the optimistic side, but 8-8 is still firmly within our grasp. 

Before we get to the review of the debacle in Pittsburgh, I wanted to comment on Saturday's Washington-Nebraska game.  First and foremost, the officials for that game should be forced to give up their game checks for that performance.  While obviously the Huskies could have done more, particularly on defense, those catch interference calls, and especially the first one where the Huskies recovered the muffed punt, were inexcusable.  As a former fastpitch umpire, one of the first things we were taught is that you are only supposed to call what you see.  Under no circumstances are you supposed to guess.  If you miss something, you miss something, it happens.  But you don't assume that just because someone tripped over the punt returner, it had to be someone from the opposing team.  Momentum is so huge in college football, so making correct calls is paramount. 

Apart from that, it's time yet again to question the competency of Nick Holt.  Going into the game, the Huskies were the worst in the nation on defensive 3rd down conversion rate.  While it got slightly better against Nebraska, it's nowhere near where it needs to be.  I understand that this is still a rebuilding project but with the progress we've seen on the offensive side of the ball, there's no excuse that the defense is so far behind the offense.  Ultimately, Nick needs to put his glasses back on the bridge of his nose, stop hiking up the pants to the point we can see you're riding side-saddle, and come up with a scheme that might actually be able to stop somebody. 

Ok, I'll step down from the soapbox.  Let's re-live the Hawks-Steelers game through the lens of Old School:

"Max, can you earmuff it for me?"  Thankfully there are no young children who live either next to or below my condo.  They might have learned a few new phrases watching that game.  While not to the level of the Ryan Leaf freakout a few years back, we were in the ballpark. 

"Damn, I'm gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster".  To Brandon Browner.  My friend, it takes a special skill to make Seahawk fans long to see Kelly Jennings back at corner.  You did that in one half of football.  Maybe the definition in the CFL was different, but in the NFL, bump-and-run coverage means you actually bump the guy in the hopes of disrupting his route.  It's not "run up and get near the guy then not keep up with him" or "don't bother to wear your jock since Mike Wallace is going to fake you out of it anyway". 

"Please be honest with me.  Tell me this is the first time this has happened.  Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?"  You know, if gambling were legal, you could pretty much quit your job and just bet against the Seahawks when they play a game in the eastern time zone.  I don't know what it is.  It hasn't mattered who the coach, offensive coordinator, QB, defensive coordinator, mascot, head cheerleader, or travel coordinator has been, not only can the Seahawks not win these games, they rarely if ever even cover.   

"No, that's a piece of crap.  We stopped selling that six months ago.  Nice gesture though".  This can pretty much go out to everyone with the exception of Jon Ryan and Earl Thomas yesterday.  When you have as many punts as you do first downs (8), it's going to be a long week in the film room for this team. 

"What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party."  Well, that's exactly what we're going to do in 6 days as we get ready to watch the Hawks win their home opener.  Hawk Alley will be in full throat on Sunday. 

Let's take a look at the Pittsburgh game through the eyes of Old School:

"Fill it up again!  Once it hits your lips, it's so good".  Even if Week 1 was a disappointment at America's Crappiest Stadium, it's still football and now it's week 2 and it's time to fill it up again. 

"He's playing hardball and I've got to admit, I'm impressed".  Aimed at James Harrison.  You know after the complete and utter whooping the Steelers took in Baltimore last week, Harrison is looking rebound and knock somebody into next week.   

"Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.  Sir, I can't swim sir.  Speak when spoken to!"  James Carpenter's definitely being thrown into the deep end of the pool out there on the right end if Robert Gallery's back.  While Okung will usually have the pleasure of dealing with James Harrison, that defensive line of Pittsburgh always seems to be pretty talented. 

"Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one Jimmy, if you don't mind.  Have at it hoss".  You wonder if Bruno Giacomini said this at any time during practice this week and Carpenter obliged. 

"Who's hungry?  Who's hungry?  Who's hungry?"  Even though this Sunday will not be a class in fellating (and yes, that's a word), the Hawks had better enter Heinz Field hungry for a win.  If they hope to have a chance to win this game, they can't sleepwalk through the 1st half like they did in San Francisco and like they seem to do every single time they play a game at 1pm eastern time. 

"Hello darkness my old friend..." While not a direct quote, it was playing while Frank was in the pool after shooting a dart into his neck.  It fits because Frank then had a dream and I had a dream last night about this game.  I dreamed that the Hawks won 20-10.  Normally, that would mean nothing, but I was 2 for 2 in my dreams last year.  I dreamed that the Hawks would beat New Orleans in the playoff game.  Unfortunately I also dreamed that they'd lose in Chicago the next week.  So, hopefully I can go 3 for 3.

-Mark

After watching that debacle on Sunday afternoon, some other Anchorman quotes came to mind.  Knights of Columbus this one hurt....

"Boy, that escalated quickly...I mean, that really got out of hand fast."  After scratching and clawing out of a 16-point hole at halftime, the Hawks got to within 2 points and then almost as fast as Brick killed the guy with a trident, Ted Ginn, Jr. runs back a couple kicks and put the game out of reach. 

"I love scotch.  Scotchy, scotch, scotch.  Here it goes down, down into my belly".  Pretty much the only way to watch that game.  I prefer mine with a splash of water to bring out the flavor.

"You stay classy San Diego.  I'm Ron Burgundy?  Dammit, for the last time, anything you write on the Teleprompter, Burgundy will read!!"  I got the feeling watching that game that this applied to Dick Stockton.  In the first half alone, I counted at least 10 times where Stockton was at least 5 yards off on the down and distance call or didn't know how many yards a penalty was.  Maybe I only noticed it because I was trying to distract myself from that offensive performance in the first half, but it was pretty bad.  Then again, it's not like they send out the #1 announce teams for NFC West showdowns. 

"You dirtbags have been in third place for five years."  The Niners have been playing this role to rave reviews over the years, but if performances like this show up too many more times this year, the Hawks will indeed be in dead place.  Let's just hope nobody gets their arms chopped off. 

"Hit 'em in the uvula!"  With the new rules the NFL put in place, I'm not sure we can do that this year.  However, at times it would have been nice to see Kam Chancellor give it a shot.  We know James Harrison will test those waters when the Hawks go visit a very angry bunch of Steelers this week. 

"Great Odin's Raven! Sweet Grandmother's Spatula! By the Beard of Zeus! Hot Pot of Coffee!"  Watching that game, I pretty much ran out of expletives, so I had to get creative. 

-Mark

So, I thought we'd blatantly borrow an idea from Bill Simmons and preview this week's game through quotes from Anchorman:

"I miss your scent....I miss your musk"...Pretty much sums up how I feel about football.  And we've already got an apartment together.

"This place is run by a bunch of children"....How else do you explain the continued revolving door down at the VMAC?  If there's one thing that you needed this year it's some semblance of continuity.  With the shortened training camp, wouldn't it be better if you went into the first game with at least a few people being aware of your playbook? 

"There are literally thousands of other men I should be with but I'm 72 percent sure I love you"....no better quote to explain Pete Carroll and Tarvaris Jackson. 

"I will smash your face into a car windshield..." Wouldn't be surprised if that's said by either coach on the sidelines this week.  Pete and Jim have a bit of history from their days in the Pac-10.  If they were coaching teams with better talent, one might be tempted to run up the score again on the other, but since it's the Niners and Hawks, I don't see that happening this week.

"I love lamp.  Do you really love the lamp or are you just saying it because you saw it?  I love lamp.  I love lamp".  Hate to say it, but you get the feeling that sometimes that's how personnel decisions are made over there in Renton. 

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!" You know Alex Smith is feeling this knowing this is probably his last shot at starting in this league. 

"The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show".  Not sure if Ed Hochuli is the referee for the game, but if he is, this fits perfectly. 

"They've done studies you know.  60% of the time, it works every time".  Yesterday on ESPN. com, they had the Madden simulator predict each of this weekend's game.  Their expectation for the Hawks and Niners?  Seahawks 16, 49ers 14.  They're predicting 2 Alex Smith interceptions and that sounds about right to me.  Few, if any, give the Hawks a chance to win this game, but I must have missed the memo that the Forty-Whiners are somehow this unstoppable juggernaut. 

As we head into the unofficial end of summer, wanted to share some thoughts on the Hawks and other various and sundry items. 

1. What kind of bribe to we have to give the NFL, the Seahawks, or the Football Gods not to have another home game on the Friday night of Labor Day weekend?  At last count, this has happened 3 out of the last 4 years and it's a toss-up which is worse, the seventh circle of hell, or traffic trying to get down to this game and find parking.  In the name of all that is good and decent, can we please move this game to either Thursday night or Saturday? 

2. Knowing this would be the case, I was able to sell my tickets for tonight (getting face value in the process!) and so Geoff and I will be watching from the friendly confines of his living room, kegerator close at hand.  While there's not much you tend to look for in the 4th preseason game, I'd like to see the offense create some kind of rhythm even if it's against the backup defenders.  Almost as important, let's get out of this game sans injury.  This team's thin enough in a bunch of areas, we don't need to lose any starters. 

3. As you may or may not have seen in the papers this week, the President will be in town on Sunday, September 25th, or as many of you may know it , The Greatest Day On The Calendar, Seahawk Home Opening Day.   While they haven't announced what time they'll be shutting down every freeway and highway for hours so the President can do some fundraising on the taxpayer dime, it will help if you're prepared.  Here's an idea, join us early for the tailgate.  If you're down there with us between 7-8 (our normal starting time) you should be able to avoid the chaos. 

4. Lastly, if any of you are going down to the game tonight, let me make a plea.  As tempting as it will be to try and instigate Raider fans into a fight and send them to their natural habitat, jail, please refrain.  We do not need a repeat of what happened in San Francisco a couple weeks back where people were shot and beaten unconscious.  For crying out loud, this is a game, and a preseason game at that!  I've noticed slowly but surely an increase in vulgar and obscene taunting by Hawks fans toward opposing team's fans at Seahawks Stadium and it needs to stop.  Scream like hell for the Hawks, but if someone's rooting for the other team, let it be.  If they're causing trouble unprovoked, to paraphrase Doug Llewellen, "don't take the matter into your own hands, get the cops". 
-Mark

Stumbled across this video this morning on Seahawks.com:
http://www.seahawks.com/videos-photos/videos/Seahawks-12-Club/1db54e96-a762-4c7e-80ea-b560e1e3125d
Just from the video, this looks like a pretty cool place and heaven knows anything you can do to improve an experience at Sea-Tac airport is a plus.  Granted, it's the airport so you know you'll probably get below-average service with way above-average prices.  That being said, this is probably the first kind of club that I've seen in an airport that's like this and I've been in the majority of big city airports at one time or another.  Every big airport has some kind of sports bar and they hang a couple pennants or jerseys and that's it.  But this place looks to have been taken to the next level.  Hopefully my next flight is out of the north satellite and I can check it out.