First off, sorry I didn't get a picks column together on Friday.  It was just one of those days that got away from me.  Second, thanks to the KJR folks along with the auction winners for a great time at the tailgate yesterday.  That tailgate truly had to be one of the top 1 or 2 we've done and that includes some epic ones for playoff games.  Granted, the outcome of the game put a bit of a damper on things, but we'll take what we can get.  Let's take a look at that terrible display through the 3rd installment of the Naked Gun series:

"What are you doing?  Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.  Your bishop's exposed.  It's these pants.": Pete Carroll definitely had his bishop exposed on that final play before the half.  His explanation? He was hormonal.  Hormonal??!!  For a second, let's say we believe him.  But would hot flashes really be the driving force behind the choice of running the ball from the 4 when you haven't been able to run the ball all day?  If you're going to pass up the field goal, that has to be a throw into the end zone. 

"Someone make a note. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.": Not only should Charlie Whitehurst not be back next year, he should not be back next week.  If you're getting pulled for a guy who can barely move his shoulder, that should be a sign.  It makes you wonder who was actually out there in a Whitehurst jersey for the Giants game earlier this year and the Rams game last year. 

"We heard about you and Jane.  Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.":  Ok, show of hands, who's missing Matt Hasselbeck right about now?  Heck, show of hands, who's missing Seneca Wallace right now?  Granted, there's a very real possibility Matt would be 0n injured reserve right now playing behind that offensive line, but still. 

"My people are very upset.  They're always upset. They're Arab terrorists.": There was palpable anger at Seahawks Stadium yesterday.  Even after a playoff appearance and win last year, I'm getting the feeling that patience with the Carroll/Schneider regime is growing thin.  I certainly can understand it from an offensive perspective.  The vast majority of recent rule changes favors the offense.  What do Carroll and Schneider do?  Focus on the defense.  Which is showing signs of improvement every week.   But you still need to be able to score points. 

"Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, cold-blooded, sadistic animal. You must be proud of him.  I am.":  There was a Pacman Jones sighting yesterday.  In the latest of the special teams blunders, he had a very nice return yesterday only to be denied the end zone by our punter.  Was it a coincidence that he then had an injured hamstring?  I'm thinking he actually pulled his embarassment muscle.  

"Any last words before I throw you off?  Yes. Don't do it.": It really felt like we were getting our chance at last words yesterday concerning the season.  We had a chance the last 2 weeks to beat very average teams and head to Dallas 4-3.  Not only are we now 2-5 but the Niners continue their just inexplicable run and are 6-1.   

After taking a one week break from the genius that is Leslie Nielsen, we're back to previewing Hawks games through the prism of the Naked Gun series.  That game in Cleveland was ripe for Naked Gun references.  Or, it was just ripe.  It was easily the worst game I've watched in the last 5 years.  Sure, they've been shutout or barely put any points on the board before.  But that was against better teams that we all expected to lose to.  That was an awful Browns team. 

Ok, that feels better.  We move on and welcome the other team that hails from the Buckeye State.  Plus, it's KJR Kares Sunday where we pay off the auction item and party with the KJR afternoon crew and the folks who bought the tailgate with us and then tickets to the game.  Trust us guys, we'll be putting on a show. 

"It looks like Phil Donahue throwing up into a tuba.":  If you forced Phil to watch that game last Sunday, I wouldn't be surprised if that would be his reaction.  When you have more total punts (12) than points (9) that's just a recipe for a disgusting game.  Then again, Donahue's a pompous blowhard, so maybe I don't feel so bad that he'd be throwing up. 

"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.": To whoever ends up quarterbacking this team on Sunday.  Cincinnati's defense is pretty good.  Either QB is going to have to make quick decisions.

"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through": To the running backs this week, which hopefully includes Marshawn Lynch.  Man, was his presence missed last week.  If Lynch is in there, I have to think they're able to punch it in on 1st and goal from the 2.  At the risk of over-doing a pun, running backs, you're going to have to look hard for your hole and then punch through.  If we can take a little pressure off the passing game that is a recipe for success.

"Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.":  Maybe it's just a prediction, but I can hope that Carroll will say this to Whitehurst if he ends up starting and trotting out that pile of suck again this week.  

"Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!":  To Red Bryant, who is just a massive defensive lineman who makes plays.  Maybe it's blocking 2 field goals in one game.  Maybe it's consistently breaking through to throw running backs for a loss.  Maybe it's just pancaking some poor unsuspecting tight end.  Red, we need you again this week.  If you happen to neuter a right tackle or two, all the better. 

"Where's your prison number?  It's unlisted.": Ok, so they're not the CincinnAttica Bengals anymore, but over the past few years, they're so far ahead of the rest of the league in most arrests, that you wonder how many will be a game-time scratch after perusing the "goods" on Aurora on Saturday night.  

Add it all up, and I think we've got a win.  The 12th Man has had to wait a few weeks to let their voices be heard and the byproduct of that pent-up anticipation should be in full force.  Have your tea with honey and lemon on Saturday night.  Resist the urge to overindulge at the Halloween parties.  We need everyone there in full throat to scare the pants of the ginger rookie QB who will be making his first Seahawks Stadium appearance.

Seahawks 24, Bengals 13

 

This past weekend brought back nauseating memories of 2008.  Going 0-for-2 (0-for-3 for those who count the Cougs) and doing it in depressing, frustrating, maddening fashion brought back some very painful memories.  With the Huskies, I honestly thought we were past this stage.  While I did not expect them to win, I certainly thought they'd play well enough not to get badly outclassed.  Plus they got outclassed without Andrew Luck having much of a game at all.  Granted, when you can run at will even with 10 guys in the box, there's no need to throw.  Of course, this calls into question the schemes of Nick Holt.  But it also calls into question the recruiting that the coaching staff has done as a whole on that side of the ball.  They better figure this out because Arizona comes to town this week and now that they're out from under the scowl of Mike Stoopes, they looked pretty dangerous against UCLA. 

On to the review of one of the worst games I've ever watched.  It almost seems a shame to associate a movie like Major League with a game like that, but we do what we have to do.

 "That's all we got, one god**mn hit? You can't say god**mn on the air.  Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway.":  One field goal??!!  One god**mn field goal??!!  Raible could have dropped that line and it wouldn't have mattered since only the masochists in the audience were listening at that time anyway.  If this is against the Packers or maybe the Patriots, ok.  But this is against a year-in, year-out pathetic team. 

"Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [under his breath] Thank God!": You hate to say it since it was just his 4th start (wait, no I don't) but Whitehurst is awful and it's time to close the book on him.  He went 12 for 30 for 97 yards.  Yes, his offensive line didn't give him a ton of time, but when they did it resulted in an overthrow, an underthrow, or throwing into double coverage.  Then when he finally gets a wide open Sidney Rice and just has to get it to him for a touchdown, he slices one that carries Rice out of bounds. 

"We should've got the live chicken.":  Maybe that would have helped.  But, let's look at the positives for a minute.  The defense really looked good for most of the game.  The Browns had a time of possession of 43 minutes and yet were only able to score 6 points.  Part of that was also due to Red Bryant blocking 2 field goals.  Those should have been motivating factors along the lines of sacrificing a chicken.  But no, the offense squandered both opportunities. 

"Up your butt, Jobu.":  Up your butt Mike Carey and your band of merry officials.  That call against Sherman as Leon Washington was running a punt back for a touchdown was atrocious.  The offensive pass interference call against Doug Baldwin as we're driving to win the game was almost as bad.  Was that the guy who called pass interference against Darrell Jackson in the Super Bowl?  Now, I certainly don't blame the officials for the loss per se, but if everything else is the same, we win that game if the officials actually call what they see instead of what they think they see. 

"The post-game show is brought to you by....I can't find it. To hell with it.":  You know the group on channel 13 was thankful that Fox had the double header and then the World Series, so no Seahawks Gameday yesterday.  Not that anybody would have watched it anyway. 

Ultimately, the conversation with the Hawks this year is perfectly represented by the back and forth between the guys in the diner, guys in the bar, construction guys, and the groundskeepers.  One week they don't look too good.  The next week, they aren't so bad.  But then you have a game like yesterday and you can't help but feel like the groundskeepers.  "They're still sh*tty". 

Well, a bit of a bump in the road last week after a good first week.  6-6-1 isn't bad I suppose, but it would cost you the vig in Vegas.  Let's see if we can't get back on the right track this week.  As always, the lines are from USA Today and the home teams are in bold.

OAKLAND -4.5 vs. Kansas City: Oh, those tricky Raiders.  They've had themselves quite a full week.  After taking Aaron Curry off our hands, they must have figured they got such a steal that they could afford to splurge on Carson Palmer.  Giving up potentially two 1st round picks for him makes a lot of folks think Al Davis isn't dead.  He's just on the island with Elvis and Tupac.  But Kansas City's awful and Oakland should be able to take care of business fairly easily.

Pittsburgh -3.5 at ARIZONA: I had to check this twice.  I needed to make sure this wasn't -13.5.  This is definitely one of our Elmer Fudd games.  Be vewy, vewy quiet.  No sudden moves lest Vegas realize what they've done. 

St. Louis +13.5 at DALLAS: This line just seems too high for any team quarterbacked by Tony Romo.  This screams backdoor cover due to a late TAINT (Touchdown after interception).  And yes, I realize AJ Feely may be the QB for the Rams and there's a chance he may pull a muscle in his butt again like he did in Seattle a few years back. 

Green Bay -9.5 at MINNESOTA: Christian Ponder makes his NFL starting debut at the Big Department Store (aka Mall of America Field).  Maybe not the best idea to have him make his debut against the world champions.  This one could get ugly. 

TENNESSEE -3.5 vs. Houston: Matthew gets back on a roll and Chris Johnson finally gets on track.  The Texans begin their inevitable gravitation towards 8-8. 

CAROLINA -1 vs. Washington: How is Carolina favored against anyone?  Oh, that's right the Redskins QB choices are Rex Grossman....oh wait he just threw another pick, or John Beck who may as well be Glenn Beck out there.  Cam Newton gets himself a home win in front of one of the quietest crowds I've ever been around.

NEW ORLEANS -14.5 vs. Indianapolis:  In what would have been absolutely classic Saints had they not won the Super Bowl, their head coach gets his MCL blown out last week by his tight end.  Normally that kind of black cat would scare me off, particularly with a point spread this high.  But the Colts are in full Suck For Luck mode and the only thing Painter might be good for is getting another coat on the new Mercedes logo on the Superdome.

Denver +1 at MIAMI: Along with Carolina-Washington, it's our other game that'll be seen by 1.25% of the country.  But, it'll take up at least 50% of the time on Sportscenter Sunday night since Tim Tebow's starting.  Now, don't get me wrong, I like Tebow.  But the media coverage of the whole thing is just nauseating.  The pick's Denver if for no other reason than Miami's at home and there probably hasn't been a worse home team since the 1976 Bucs. 

San Diego -1 at NEW YORK JETS: After watching that crapfest on Monday night, I just can't pick the Jets.  If you can't handle Miami without a Revis TAINT, I can't see you handling San Diego. 

Atlanta +3.5 at DETROIT: I don't know why, but it just feels like Detroit might have a bit of a hangover after that game against the Niners last week.  Plus, the Falcons can't be this bad, can they? 

TAMPA BAY +1 vs. Chicago: The Pouty One takes his group south to go shopping for retirement homes.  The Bucs are right back into the division race after their win last week against the Saints.  They keep it up this week.

Baltimore -9.5 at JACKSONVILLE: The parade of "who in their right mind came up with this schedule" games continues this week on Monday Night Football.  This is the first of two (TWO!!??) MNF contests at the half-empty stadium in north Florida.  With Hank Jr. now out, they've been getting former stars of the home team to kick off MNF.  Who are you getting for the Jacksonville games?  Mark Brunell?  Fred Taylor and his constantly pulled groin?

Seattle +2.5 at CLEVELAND: As I said yesterday, let's dare to dream.  The Seahawks can win back to back eastern time zone games.  It's looking like Hillis and Haden will be out for the Browns, and that's nothing but good news.  A note to the overly whiny Cleveland media and fans over Holmgren doing an interview here with Mitch.  Get over yourselves!!  So Holmgren gave an interview to an old friend and barely touched on the Browns, and you're all bent out of shape.  I can see why he wouldn't talk to the Cleveland media prior to this. 

After a week off for the bye, we're back at it.  Do we dare dream the impossible that the Hawks can win back to back games in the eastern time zone?  Yes, we dare.  At times this year I've had some trouble picking the proper flick with which to preview that week's game.  Not so this week.  When you visit the Mistake By The Lake, there's one movie to use, and that's Major League.  

"I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.  Most of these guys never had a prime......This guy here is dead!  Cross him off, then!"  I'm picturing this conversation happening in the production meetings with the crew from Fox for this game.  Speaking of which, there may be a time this week where the last 3 coaches for the Hawks could be in the same room for these meetings since Jim Mora's doing color commentary.  You've got Holmgren who was pushed out so Mora could take over.  Then Mora's sitting next to the guy who was interviewing f0r his job while he was giving his end of the year press conference.  Screw the Harbaugh-Schwartz non-fight.  Get cameras in that room. 

"Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our "Die-hard Night" here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."  Wouldn't be too far-fetched to change Indians to Browns in that sentence since their last title was in 1964.  We think we have it bad in Seattle watching the horse crap our teams put out every year, but Cleveland definitely gives us a run for our money in the Most Depressing Sports City competition.

"Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater."  Thankfully 2 weeks ago, Darrell Bevell remembered the success the no-huddle offense had and crammed it down the Giants throats.  When you stumble upon the 101 mph fastball that people can't hit, keep throwing it.  Yes, there's a possibility you may knock somebody's head off or hit them in the junk, but you have to take that chance.

"I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays. Well it all depends on how good you are.  How good are you?  I make the league minimum."  Like Jake Taylor who was worth way more than the league minimum, Doug Baldwin continues to be showing he's worth so much more than he's being paid.  An undrafted rookie out of Stanford, he leads the team in receptions, is tied for the lead in touchdowns, and his play has resulted in 17 first downs. 

"So, here is Rick Vaughn, the one they call the "Wild Thing". So, he sets and deals. Juuuust a bit outside, he tried for the corner and missed.....Ball 4.....Ball 8."  Thankfully it looked in New York like Charlie Whitehurst has ended his impression of Rick Vaughn and was actually able to connect with his receivers.  Good thing too, since more than likely he's starting this game.  Carroll won't come out and just say Tarvaris is missing this game, but that group over there is doing their best Patriot impersonation and not telling anybody anything regarding injuries. 

"I thought you said you didn't have any high-priced talent on this team.  I forgot about Dorn because he's only high-priced."  Aimed right at you Aaron Curry.  Have fun with the epitome of dysfunction they call the Raiders.  Happy to see you tweeting all the time about how much film study you've done.  Come to think of it, you always talked about how much film you watched here and we all know how that turned out.  Word of advice, make sure you save that money the Hawks are overpaying you this year.  You may not get a second contract.

"Monty, anything to add? Ummm... no.  He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!"  Jim Mora, take the hint.  You couldn't evaluate talent when you were here.  I seriously doubt that's improved since you became an "analyst". 

"Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."  Even though it's very bad to steal Jobu's rum, I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing while watching two of the league's more historically downtrodden franchises battle it out.  I'll just need to keep an eye out in my living room for bats that are hurdling through the air.  

"All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big sh*tburger to eat!"  Ok Hawks, you've effectively taken yourself out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  So, while there's no need to make a Paul Allen cardboard cut out and start peeling off pieces of clothing, let's get this win and then come home at .5o0.

Prediction: Seahawks 24, Browns 20

It's one of those weeks that looks too good to be true.  A bunch of home favorites, some seemingly big mismatches, and the over-confidence that we think we know who some of these teams really are.  I went 8-5 against the spread last week and I think it'll be one of those weeks where I either go 11-2 or 3-10.  As with last week, the spreads are from USA today and home teams are in bold CAPS. 

BALTIMORE -7 vs. Houston: Normally, 7 points would be a lot to give a team like Houston against a team that isn't exactly an offensive juggernaut like Baltimore.  I also hesitate to pick against Houston since any team that has fans that can win the national tailgating championship assisted by an 8-hosed beer bong deserves extra respect.  However, Baltimore's coming off a bye and Houston's coming off a heartbreaking loss against the Raiders and those losses cause hangovers.  Not a good recipe for the Texans heading to the Big Crab Cake.

DETROIT -4.5 vs. San Francisco: Ok, as much as I didn't see the Hawks winning in New York last week, I certainly didn't see the Niners hanging 48 on Tampa Bay on Sunday.  However, Detroit has that look of America's Team right now.  For a city that you can now buy a house for the price of a plasma TV, the Lions have finally given those folks something to take their mind off the fact they live in Detroit.  Alex Smith finally remembers he's Alex Smith and the Lions help make the NFC West an actual race.

Cleveland +7 at OAKLAND: This is one of those games that looks a little too obvious.  Oakland had a huge win last week and Cleveland's not all that great.  But, you've got the Browns coming off a bye and it's been an incredibly emotional week for the Raiders with Al Davis dying.  That's a recipe for a close game if not the Raiders outright overlooking the Browns as divisional game against the Chiefs lurks next week.

PITTSBURGH -13 vs. Jacksonville: If the Steelers can take a hot team like the Titans back behind the woodshed last week, what do you think they'll do to the hapless Soon To Be Los Angeles Jaguars?  You rarely see spreads this large in the NFL, but when you do, home favorites tend to do pretty well. 

NEW ENGLAND -7.5 vs. Dallas:  This reeks of Dallas fans with more money than sense betting large sums and bringing this line down.  It's Tom Brady at home in the regular season, where he doesn't lose, against a Dallas team quickly learning that given the opportunity, Romo will shoot you in the foot at inopportune times.  Granted, had the national media actually paid attention to how Romo played instead of who he was dating or where he was vacationing, they would have realized this 5 years earlier.  But, it's an opportunity for gamblers to take advantage.

New Orleans -4 at TAMPA BAY: Tampa was a hot mess in America's Crappiest Stadium last week.  How do you only score 3 against the Niners?  If the Big Pirate Ship offered some semblance of home field advantage, I might go with the Bucs.  But it doesn't, so I won't.  New Orleans solidifies their grip on the NFC South.

ATLANTA -4 vs. Carolina: Our first of two Elmer Fudd Memorial be vewy, vewy quiet games.  You don't want to scare the line for fear people will realize it's way too low.  This is an absolute must win game for Atlanta if they hope to keep the Saints within striking distance.  While Cam Newton has been able to keep games close lately, he hasn't figured out how to win. 

Minnesota +3 at CHICAGO:  The Vikings finally figured out that running Adrian Peterson's a good idea.  It helps you keep leads and win games.  Chicago's coming off a short week where they showed the whole nation they can't stop the run, so All Day better pack his lunch pail. 

CINCINNATI -7 vs. Indianapolis: I struggle with this one.  On the one hand, should the Bengals really ever be favored by 7 against anyone?  You have a ginger rookie QB surrounded by almost nothing.  However, one of the first rules of picking underdogs is you have to believe they can actually win, not just cover.  Curtis Painter might be able to keep them in games against folks like Kansas City at home, but not on the road. 

Philadelphia -1 at WASHINGTON: If Tampa Bay is a hot mess, Philadelphia's a warm cow turd in the words of Hank Williams Jr.  However, cow turds can be useful in the making of fuels and paper.  The Eagles finally figure out a way to transform their turd and the Redskins begin their inevitable decline. 

Buffalo +3.5 at NY GIANTS: How do the Bills still get no gambling respect?  I guess part of it would be this is a road game and this seems like a team who might be vastly different on the road.  However, count me as one that thinks the Football Gods are a little upset with the NFL right now and the whole lockout business.  Their punishment?  Making the Lions and Bills two of the top teams in the league, destined for a Rust Belt Super Bowl in Indianapolis. 

GREEN BAY -15 vs. St. Louis: Atlanta, a decent enough team, gave the Packers a scare last week and they were still able to win fairly handily.  Now, the Pack gets to go back home and face a winless, feckless, hopeless St. Louis team?  Lay that 15 and thank me later. 

NY JETS -7.5 vs. Miami: Our 2nd Elmer Fudd game.  The Jets are not going to take this losing lying down and Miami has the unfortunate luck of facing their wrath.  Now, I would feel even better if this was in Miami since for whatever reason the Dolphins hate to have their fans witness a win, but it's Monday Night and you know the Jets will be itching to get a big win, especially within the division.

Well, how about that?  I'll freely admit I didn't see that one coming yesterday.  That had a lot of the same elements as the Golden Horseshoe Game (aka when the Giants played here in November 2005 and it became obvious that Holmgren had the golden horseshoe firmly planted in his backside).  The Hawks had no business winning either one of those games, but through the fickle elements of time and circumstance, they pull one out in dramatic fashion.   A nice side effect will be the huge shrinkage of the KJR survivor pool.  One step closer to enjoying Indianapolis in February! 

The review today is going to test me.  Naked Gun 2 1/2 doesn't lend itself well to discussing wins but we're going to give it a shot.  Oh, and just as an aside, I'm 7-5 in my picks against the spread going into tonight's game, so not bad for the first week. 

"I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.  There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath."  I'm sorry Hawks.  I shouldn't have doubted you.  Granted, you hadn't won in New York since 1983 and you hadn't won a game in the eastern time zone in more than 3 years, but I still should have had faith.   

"For a man in a wheelchair, he certainly gets around marvellously."  Good grief, that team was the walking wounded by the end of the day.  But when it results in the powerhouse Whitehurst-to-Baldwin hookup, you can't argue with it.  While I'm a little disappointed the bye week comes after a huge road win and it tends to kill momentum, from an injury standpoint, it comes at a great time.  

"Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?  He's Caucasian. Caucasian?

If for no other reason than it's kind of fun to see if a yahoo like myself can do better than the "professionals", I'll start running a picks column on Friday just in case we have anyone heading to Nevada and they feel the need to make a bet.  For our purposes here, we're using the lines from USA Today.  Home teams are in bold:

Tampa Bay +2.5 vs. San Francisco: Ok, the team that occupies America's Crappiest Stadium can't keep this up, can they?  The team with the Creamsicle uniforms should be able to waltz into Candlestick and take advantage of that secondary. 

Oakland +6 vs. Houston: While this Houston team looks like it's for real, Matt Schaub's going to miss his #1 target in Andre Johnson.  Plus, that Oakland team has been frisky lately in the O.co stadium (at least that what I think they're calling it this week). 

New England -9.5 vs. New York Jets: This seems like a huge line for divisional game with two teams that made the playoffs last year.  However, Tom Brady does not lose games at home during the regular season.  On top of that, the Jets are a mess offensively right now.  Rex Ryan's foot fetish comes into play as he gets a swift boot in the ass from Bill Belichick. 

San Diego -4 vs. Denver: Ok Chargers, September's over and it's time to start dominating.  I realize the handicap that is Norv Turner never makes this assured, but you should be able to go into Denver and win handily. 

New Orleans -6.5 vs. Carolina: Assuming there isn't a repeat monsoon in Charlotte like there was a couple weeks ago, the Saints should be able to light up the scoreboard against the young Panthers secondary.  If nothing else, force Cam Newton to throw the ball a bunch.  He's 0-3 so far this year when throwing for more than 300 yards.  Maybe Tracy Porter can get himself a TAINT (Touchdown After INTerception) and wipe that fake smile off of Newton's face.

Minnesota -3 vs. Arizona:  I have a reciprocal fan-ship with the Vikings.  I have friends who live in Minneapolis and we have a deal that they root for the Hawks if I root for the Vikes.  I've got a sneaking suspicion that the Vikes will remember that the game's 60 minutes this week, not just 30, and will get their first win of the year.  Kevin Kolb has proved shaky on the road lately, further proving my suspicion before the season that he wasn't worth what the Cards paid.

Green Bay -5.5 vs. Atlanta: A re-match of the divisional playoffs last year.  Normally a home team with revenge on its mind would be the play, but that would require being a halfway decent team, which Atlanta does not look like right now.  If Tarvaris Jackson can shred you like he did last week, you know Aaron Rodgers will have a field day.

Jacksonville -1.5 vs. Cincinnati: Every week has a couple of these games where they're only going to be on within a 50-mile radius of the 2 cities.  Given the choice, the RedZone channel would rather go to a commercial (even though they don't have them) than show this game.  But at least we get to see 2 of the QB's who were drafted last year who won't last 3 years in this league.  So, that should be fun. 

Buffalo +3 vs. Philadelphia:  Every once in a while, Vegas bestows a gift.  So let me get this straight, you're giving me 3 points with Buffalo when they're playing a team that got beat by the 49ers at home last week?  And Buffalo's at home?  In the words of Elmer Fudd, be vewy, vewy, quiet when you go up to the betting window, I'm hunting for winners. 

Pittsburgh -3.5 vs. Tennessee: As hot as Matt Hasselbeck's been the last few weeks, this week he goes up against his Lex Luther.  Pittsburgh has owned him and they're not a happy bunch with how they've played lately.  You know Omar Epps...oh excuse me, Mike Tomlin will have that team ready to go.  

Kansas City +1.5 vs. Indianapolis: Our 2nd game of the week that will be seen by exacly 1.25% of the country (that's right, I went to the 2nd decimal place).  Todd Haley's coaching for his job and I thought I saw Indy dragging Jeff George out of the retirement home to play for them this week.  Wait, what's that?  They hired a painter to play QB?  Well, six of one, half-dozen of the other.

Detroit -5.5 vs. Chicago: Cue Hank Williams Jr....oh wait.  Too soon?  It's Monday Night Football in Detroit for the first time in 47 years.  Ok, maybe only 39.  But it's nice to see Detroit with some success lately.  The Tigers take down the Evil Empire last night and the Lions are finally looking like they want to join the rest of the league.  Should be a fun game and anytime you can get an even more pouty look on Jay Cutler's face, it's good times for everyone.

New York Giants -10 vs. Seattle: Isn't it always special when you're the biggest underdog on the board for the week?  Normally, that would mean you have the chance to tick off Vegas the most.  But these are the Seahawks and it's an early east coast game.  Maybe the Hawks keep it close running the no-huddle offense and putting some points on the board.  But ultimately, that will backfire since our defense will get tired and Eli Manning will throw wounded ducks that cause pass interference penalties.  Ugh. 

-Mark

We continue our previews through the prism of the Naked Gun series this week.  But before that, a couple thoughts on random items.  First off, the Huskies look like they're for real.  Not only did they beat a team on the road where they were 10-point underdogs, they absolutely outclassed Utah.  That looming showdown against Oregon the first Saturday in November looks for the first time in years like it might actually be competitive.  Second, I would like to thank the annoying Fremont frat boy crowd for not making their annual trip to Leavenworth Oktoberfest this year.  Or if you did, thanks for being in disguise.  For the first time in years, there weren't half-hour beer lines on Saturday night and you could actually get in a decent polka without someone taking up half the dance floor showing off their swing dancing moves that went out of style 10 years ago.  Also on that topic, a big thumbs down to Gustav's in Leavenworth.  They've got the only rooftop deck in town and they had it "closed" on Saturday for rain even though it wasn't raining and there was a group of about 10 people up there.  When I asked about that they just shrugged and said it's closed.  If there's a group you don't want to piss off, it's the 11-year veterans of Oktoberfest who once we started telling people about it, they had to add 2 extra weekends to deal with the crowds.  In any case, on to the preview of the Hawks making their trip to the swamps of New Jersey.

"What's that smell? Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"  Sorry, couldn't resist.  It's the swamps of Jersey and even though it's the New Meadowlands, it's still a Superfund cleanup site.  Add to that, it's filled with whiny Giants fans who couldn't possibly believe we make that much noise in Seahawks Stadium without having it piped in as well.   

"I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens."  It's an east coast, 10am pacific start time game this week, and I think we all know what that means.  If gambling were legal, or if you're going to be in Vegas this weekend, might not hurt to put down a shekel or two on the Giants, even if they are 10-point favorites.   

"Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?"  To Aaron Curry.  In case nobody told you, having your little Twitter tantrums does not make people forget how much of a disappointment you've been thus far in your Seahawks career.  We don't want to hear that you're at peace with the decision that you'll be a backup linebacker now.  We want to hear that you're going to do everything to get back into the starting lineup. 

"This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!"  Whichever way you want to do this Hawks, just remember, no-huddle offense to be run, Eli Manning to be knocked into next week.  Let's just hope that our coaching staff hasn't forgotten what was successful last week. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honored for his 1000th drug-dealer killed. [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers."  To Tarvaris Jackson and also to Matt Hasselbeck.  To T-Jack, it fits with the bomb he threw to Sidney Rice last week after the Flacons gave up when they were offsides.  If we can trick the Giants into that this week, you better take advantage again.  To Matthew, talk about backing yourself into a great position.  You've got an offensive line that can block and receivers that actually catch the ball.  Unfortunately, someone backed over Kenny Britt with their proverbial car so you'll have to find this year's Joe Jurevicius to keep up this hot streak. 

"The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!"  The truth unfortunately is that for whatever reason, this team cannot win these early games on the east coast.  It doesn't matter the personnel or the coaching staff.  Yes, it hurts just about as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing.  It hurts more when you watch a crap team like the Niners go into Philly last week and win an early game.  Come on Hawks, give your fans something to get excited about.  Give us that unexpected win that so often turns into more unexpected wins because of the confidence it breeds. 

Well, I find myself torn.  On the one hand, there's no such thing as a moral victory and the end result is this team's 1-3.  We should be able to expect wins in this town and I think we are too quick to rationalize and make excuses.  On the other hand, you definitely saw growth in the 2nd half of yesterday's game.  The past few years, a Seahawk team that's down 24-7 at halftime would have lost the game 42-10.  Coming back the way they did was encouraging, but at the same time, that game was there for the taking and we couldn't make that final step.  Let's review the game through the eyes of The Naked Gun:

"It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."  It did feel like the same old story at times yesterday.  Then just as boy remembers girl, the Seahawks shoot themselves in the foot by not being able to get the ball back and then having things like false start penalties when you're marching for the game-winning field goal.   

"It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press."  While I'm sure Pete knows he was coaching football yesterday, the 61-yard field goal makes you pause and wonder.  Yes, it was 4th & 8 with 13 seconds left.  But you had a timeout and wide receivers (particularly Baldwin) who had a knack for getting open yesterday.  You have to give your kicker at least a semi-reasonable chance to kick a game winner.  

"Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today. I was young! I needed the work!"  Well, watching that game in the 2nd half, you have to think the Hawks have stumbled upon something with the no-huddle offense.  They were able to move the ball fairly easily.  Jackson was making reads much more quickly.  It was obvious Atlanta's defense was sucking wind.  Of course, it's a double-edged sword since it runs the risk of putting your defense back out on the field more quickly if you're not able to put together long drives.  I'd love to see them introduce the no-huddle on the first drive in New York this week to see if that can prevent the flat start we always see with these east coast games.

"Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?"  Interestingly, Atlanta's defenders started coming down with injuries when Seattle's no-huddle offense was breaking off chunks of yardage.  While I applaud the NFL trying to put a stop to that, it's going to be all but impossible to enforce during a game, short of the atrocious acting job the Giants did a few weeks ago. 

"Hey Look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!"  Hey look, Tarvaris Jackson had 300+ yards and 3 TD's!!  While nobody's going to mistake Jackson for world-renowned quarterbacks like Brees, Manning, or Brady, that was an impressive game from Jackson yesterday.  Granted, it helped that his offensive line had a great game and gave him some time.  But it's nice to see him get some confidence, and that may well help down the road.

"Nice beaver! Thank you. I just had it stuffed."  When you first saw this movie, that immediately became one of the most potentially exciting lines.  But, just like the Hawks in the 2nd half, the promise was never fulfilled.  However, that was not because of the 12th Man.  The crowd came to play, particularly in the 2nd half.  That was good to see as in the previous week against Arizona, there was a subdued nature to the crowd.

Speaking of the 12th Man, while I don't have a problem per se with Jason Terry raising the flag yesterday, could we not get a hold of guys like Nate Robinson, Jon Brockman, or Brandon Roy?  Like Terry, it's not like they're working right now.  I'd rather have someone who maybe actually played here either in college or professionally.  So, note to the Seahawks PR staff, there are still plenty of guys out there who have not raised the flag and will put the crowd into a frenzy leading up to kickoff.  Along those lines, a memo to Pete Carroll.  If you win the coin toss, there is zero reason to take the ball first.  Your crowd is jacked up and loud and you're going to voluntarily go on offense first?  Why take the air out of the crowd like that?  Time for the conversation with Mitch Levy that he's had with your two predecessors.