Ok, waited a day to write this not only because Monday got to be a pretty busy day, but I also needed to let the emotions of Sunday subside a bit or risk writing something that would make the Clark Griswold meltdown in Christmas Vacation look like a calm, rational gripe. 

First, let's address the seemingly endless problem this team has had this year, penalties.  Some wise person (oh wait, that was me) mentioned recently that these penalties would eventually result in losses.  Little did I realize that premonition would come true so quickly.  Yet again, we see a complete and utter lack of discipline on both sides of the ball at the most inopportune times.  Penalties that allowed the Redskins to keep drives going.  Penalties that killed Seahawks drives, which at this point is any 5-yard penalty since the offense isn't good enough to overcome that hurdle. 

Second, I'm sick and tired of the excuse that this team just needs a quarterback and every conceivable ill would be instantly solved.  Really?  If, let's just say, Mark Sanchez were the QB of this team (thanks Tim Ruskell), would Mike Williams, Doug Baldwin, and Zach Miller not have dropped passes on Sunday?  If Sanchez were under center, would that have prevented our secondary from standing with their thumbs up their butts in the middle of the field, guarding no one mind you, while you let Rex F'ing Grossman throw a 50-yard bomb to beat you??!!  I'm not a Tarvaris fan, per se, but he is by no means the one glaring deficiency on this team.  If nothing else, we should applaud his toughness for continuing to play through a torn pec muscle and sparing Seahawk Nation the joy of having to watch Chaz Whitehurst the rest of the season.  

Ok, maybe the emotion from Sunday hasn't completely subsided.  Let's keep this train going with a review of the game through the 3 modes of transportation that John Candy and Steve Martin enjoyed all those many years ago.

"You shared a motel room with a complete stranger? Are you crazy? Not yet. But I'm getting there.": You expected the Seahawks to keep up the momentum after nice wins against Baltimore and St. Louis?  You thought they might actually be able to beat the Redskins in the friendly confines of Seahawks Stadium?  Are you crazy?  I'm not sure I can even say not yet at this point.  I think I'm there.  The inconsistency is so maddening and I'm so tired of hearing how young this team is as the excuse.  How long have these guys been playing football?  Were they playing Arena Football where you can move forward before the snap?   

"If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?": If Pom Pom Pete tells you that these guys continue to learn "stuff", are you believing him?  What are they learning?  Please, rather than talking in incoherent platitudes for the 8th week in a row, please tell us what they're learning.  At this point, all I'm seeing that they're learning is that there are absolutely no consequences for continuing to make the same mistakes repeatedly.   It was very telling earlier today in Pete's press conference when he back-tracked on how he was going to bench some of the guys who keep committing dumb penalties.  He realized (and he actually said this) that he doesn't have 100+ guys to choose from anymore.  He only has 45.  It was like when Obama said he'd been campaigning in 57 states.  You initially think he's joking and it just fell flat, but then there's a growing part of you that wonders if he really was joking or if he's that dumb. 

"If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?": Mike Williams, you may want to quit Twitter since you pretty much fail Twitter at every turn.  When you tweet right after the game  'Yea, I had bad game tday.. Left 2 big catches out there.. I'll be back Thurs night tho' that would make the reader think you've actually had a good game at some point this year.  All I've seen is that you've found the Pizza Hut again (no offense to Pizza Hut) and you obviously forgot the napkins since you can't seem to catch anything thrown in between the 1 and the 7 on your jersey.   

"Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual.  Unique... what's that, Latin for "asshole"?": Tarvaris Jackson, do you know what 4th down means?  Do you know that when you take a sack on 4th down, the other team gets the ball?  Do you know when you take said sack on 4th down and you have 1 timeout left and there's less than 3 minutes to go in the game, you have essentially zero possibility of winning the game?  I realize your receivers may not have been open by 5 yards, but you still have to thrown the damn ball!!

"[on tequila and Doritos] What do you think? You think this is a good combination?": Thankfully our tailgate has better options than that on a given Sunday morning, but I can't guarantee what dinner consisted of on Sunday night after getting home from that debacle. 

"Do you have seventeen dollars and a good watch? No I don't. I have uh... two dollars... and a Casio.": Pete Carroll, would you take either of those as compensation for termination of your contract?  I hate the idea of a new coaching staff and having to wait more years for a system to be in place that will actually produce wins.  I really wanted to be wrong when I said I was giving up my season tickets (I rescinded that later) when I found out you were going to be our next coach.  But it is painfully obvious that in a league where the rules are slanted heavily towards the offense, you can't come up with an effective offense or hire anyone who can.  It's obvious you have no ability to effectively discipline your team or hire anyone on your coaching staff who can.  I'm tired of the incoherent, babbling, platitude-filled press conferences.  I'm tired of investing thousands of dollars and numerous hours on tickets, tailgating, watching the games, planning weekends around the games, etc. only to be somewhere between bitterly disappointed and mildly shocked (but knowing disappointment will come next week).  In the words of a great man who will get a much more focused column later this year, "HALLELUJAH! HOLY SH*T! Where's the Tylenol?"

It's Thanksgiving week and what better movie to preview this week's game with than the quintessential Thanksgiving movie.  While hopefully none of you have to deal with what old Neal and Del did this weekend, I'm sure we've all had travel experiences that can relate. 

"Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I'm done on this side. I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be griddle marks.": To both Mike Shanahan and his kicker Graham Gano.  While Shanahan's probably owed too much money to have Dan Snyder fire him, this is the guy who thought Albert Haynesworth was worth $100 million so you just never know.  With Gano, he may want to brush off the old resume and hope someone else will give him a shot.  Going 1 for 3 against your most hated rival last week is not going to put you in the good graces of Redskin Nation. 

"He says we're going the wrong way... Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?":  Redskins, you are going the wrong way, particularly when you started 3-1.  Granted, that was obviously done with smoke and mirrors when you're the only team in the league that had a choice of worse quarterbacks than the Seahawks did.  Now you're on a 5 game losing streak and it's painfully obvious that you're the drunk ones. 

"Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...": Were Del and Pom Pom Pete separated at birth? Whenever you listen to a press conference of Pete's, it just has the look, feel, and smell of verbal diarrhea.  Maybe it's just because it feels like he's trying to sell sunshine and roses when we know that while the Hawks are improving, they're not Super Bowl contenders just yet.  

"You could've killed me slugging me in the gut like that. That's how Houdini died, you know.": Seahawks defense, I give you permission to slug Rex Grossman right in the gut.  Well, maybe don't be that obvious.  The one thing that's been impressive the last couple weeks is how the defense has really come out and just popped guys in the mouth, setting the tone for the game.  That's something we've rarely, if ever, seen as Hawks fans.  I like seeing a guy like Richard Sherman with a swagger we haven't seen around here since Ken Hamlin.  Let's just hope someone doesn't crush him with a street sign in Pioneer Square this weekend.  

"I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.": As excited as I've been the past couple weeks about our wins and then looking at our schedule and getting aboard the Dare to Dream Express, I know the playoffs are probably booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.  The Pouty Jay Cutler going down for the season helps the cause, but we're still going to have to get past teams like Atlanta (and we lose the tie-breaker), Dallas (ditto), and Detroit.  

"Six bucks and my left nut says we're not going to be landing in Chicago.": Maybe I won't put the stakes quite that high, but I still see the Hawks winning this game and keeping the dream alive, however faint that light of hope actually is.   

Seahawks 24, Redskins 13


 

As badly as that game started yesterday, I thought sure this column would be filled with angst and hand-wringing.  However, the defense overcame early problems and the offense finally remembered they were playing one of the worst teams in the league and scored some points.  The Seahawks now have 3 in a row at home against teams with a combined 9-21 record.  Let's re-live a happy Sunday afternoon through Airplane's classic lines.

"Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?": Sam Bradford, would you have enjoyed being in a Turkish prison more yesterday than playing that defense?  Yes, I think you would have.  Chris Clemmons was back in rare form yesterday and was pretty much having his way with your left tackle.  Red Bryant not only picked off one of your errant passes but also stiff-armed one of your wideouts directly into the turf. 

"I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.  Surely there must be something you can do.  I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!": Surely, Tarvaris was able to do something yesterday.  That strike to Sidney Rice on the first touchdown pass was pretty impressive, especially when he's throwing that with a partially torn pec muscle.  It's even more impressive after his confidence had to be completely shot after his first two throws were inexcusable and were picked off. 

"Oh stewardess! I speak jive.": Even though Barbara Billingsley has passed on, we may need to see if she taught anyone else to speak jive. I think it's the only way to get through to this team that you can't continue to commit these many penalties (13 for 100 yards yesterday) and expect to win.  Now, on occasion a 15-yarder for a hard hit on defense is ok since it sets the tone and reminds receivers you don't just come across the middle without consequences against this team.  However, multiple false starts on offense in a stadium that was pretty darn quiet yesterday is maddening.  Tom Cable, figure it out.  These are your guys.  This is not on Pom-Pom Pete. 

"Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question... skip that.": After winning 11 of the last 12 against them, you know the Rams have to feel when the Hawks come to town that they've got their iron boots on and are just thankful they play indoors so they aren't falling in mud.  After being the Rams whipping boy from 2000-2004, it's nice to have a whipping boy of our own for a change.   

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.": Fox had this new technology they were piloting this week and you could actually hear what Steve Spagnuolo was thinking as he was watching his team go down in flames against the Hawks.  If you listened real carefully, you could also hear the clock in his head ticking down to how many more games he'll be coaching in St. Louis.   

Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!
Male announcer: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone sh*t again.
Male announcer: There's just no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.

The greatest "wait...what?!" moment of the movie and it fits perfectly with Red Bryant's interception.  They say he tips the scales at 340 and if that's true, I'm tipping them at 165.  But to be able to drop back in coverage like that, track down a ball that was tipped twice, and return it 10 yards with a devastating stiff arm thrown in there as well was as impressive a string of events as I've seen in a while.  As he's sitting on the bench about ready to hack up a lung, why wasn't anyone getting him some oxygen??!! 

"Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home. Jim never vomits at home.": Ok, Hawks, you've got 3 home games coming up and the schedule looks pretty favorable.  Not the time to vomit at home.  Feel free to have the second cup of coffee though because these 3 games are all against NFC opponents and you may well need the tie-breakers when it comes to wild card time.  Yes, I'm being optimistic.  One might even say overreacting.  But as the Ian Furness show will

Before we have a return of the picks column, allow me a bit of a rant for a minute.  I'm sick and tired of the bashing  Tim Tebow's been getting lately.  Last I checked, and please anyone feel free to correct me, what matters the most in the NFL?  Is it winning (cue Charlie Sheen) or is it completion percentage?  Is it winning or is it total passing yards?  True, Tebow's a below average QB in terms of accuracy and completions.  True, more than likely teams are going to figure out this option offense fairly soon just like they figured out the wildcat.  In the meantime however, Tebow's 4-1 as a starter and has the Broncos tied for 1st place in the AFC West.  Any Hawks fans out there that would take 4-1 in our last 5 games?  Anyone? 

I think ultimately this media obsession with bashing Tebow comes down to 2 things, where he was drafted and the fact he's outspoken about his faith.  Let's deal with the draft first.  Does anyone think we'd hear 1/8th of the stuff we do about Tebow if he was drafted in the 3rd round?  No, we wouldn't.  But, is it Tim's fault that the Broncos drafted him in the 1st round?  Should he have said "you know, thanks and everything, but I'm not really 1st round material.  See if I'm there in the 3rd round and then draft me."?  Along the same lines, why are Hawks fans so upset with Aaron Curry?  95% of the anger/frustration was that he was the 4th overall pick and that decision is squarely in the lap of Tim Ruskell and Jim Mora. 

Secondly, and I know this will be a touchy subject, Tebow's ridiculed for how he chooses to display his faith.  He wore the eye black patches in college with scripture verses referenced.  He did a Super Bowl commercial with his mom encouraging people to think twice before having an abortion.  He does thank Jesus Christ in many interviews.  Am I missing the egregious violation he's committed?  Wouldn't we as NFL fans prefer more Tim Tebow's than Pacman Jones (or Tank Johnson, or Rae Carruth, or half the Bengals roster)?  How much hand-wringing do we hear from the national media when someone else gets arrested? I'm curious if we'd see this level of negative feelings outwardly spoken if Tebow were Jewish or Muslim.  If he were to engage in a Muslim prayer on the sidelines, would we see that mocked when Tebow was sacked?  If we did, I guarantee there would be universal outrage on every ESPN show the next morning.  But mocking Christianity?  That's ok apparently. 

Ok, sorry, had to get that off my chest.  On to the picks for the week.  We have a bit of an anomaly this week where all but one game features a home favorite.

Dallas -7 at WASHINGTON: The Redskins walked that tightrope early in the year, but they've done their yearly falling off the cliff.  Dallas was very impressive last week against Buffalo and now Dallas can smell a division title. 

SAN FRANCISCO -9.5 vs. Arizona: Ok, we'll try a different tactic this week with the team that occupies America's Crappiest Stadium.  Maybe if I pick them, they'll actually lose a game.  I'll tip my cap though to Jim Harbaugh at this point.  A rookie head coach coming from college (and when was the last time that worked out) with no mini-camps and a limited training camp has started 8-1.  It's impressive to see what he's done with a roster that hasn't changed much from when Nolan and Singletary were there and they couldn't get anything done. 

Jacksonville +1.5 at CLEVELAND: The Cleveland Benny Hill's (did you see how they lost last week against the Rams?) are a mess.  If Jim Harbaugh's on one end of the rookie head coach with no mini-camp scale, Pat Shurmer's on the complete opposite end.  In good conscience I can't pick them even at home.  How did the Hawks lose to that team.  Oh, that's right, Charlie was under center that game. 

CHICAGO -3.5 vs. San Diego: Yikes, what a fall from grace for Philip Rivers.  I don't know if it's the injuries on his offensive line, the money in Vincent Jackson's pocket slowing him down, or the fact that Norv Turner finally penetrated his force field, but he's been sub-par this year.  If there's one bit of advice I'd give the Bolts, it'd be don't punt to Devin Hester.  It's almost better to have a Ruben Rodriguez -5 yard punt (ironically that was against San Diego) than to punt the ball to Hester in the middle of the field.

Oakland +1 at MINNESOTA: I had to look at this twice to make sure I'd seen this correctly.  This is most definitely in Elmer Fudd territory.  Be vewy, vewy quiet.  Apparently Vegas forgot about what happens to teams that lose on the previous Monday night.  The Raiders are atop the division and the Vikings are looking towards next year.  Expect another big day from Michael Bush and another tough learning day for Christian Ponder.

Buffalo +2.5 at MIAMI:  How is a team that got its first win 2 weeks ago favored against anyone not named Indianapolis?  Buffalo needs a win to keep New England in its sights and with Miami being completely inept at home, the Bills get the nod. 

NY GIANTS -6 vs. Philadelphia: It might be wrong, but I kind of smiled when it came out thatVick had broken ribs.  Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.  With at best a limited Vick and the Giants sensing the opportunity to put the dagger in the Dream Team's season, I'll hitch my betting wagon to Eli and lay the lumber.

Carolina +7 at DETROIT: Sounds like Matthew Stafford may not play (where have we heard that before?) or if he does he could be limited.  Time for Cam Newton and his fake smile and stupid Superman end zone celebration to take advantage and win (or at least keep it close for gambling purposes). 

BALTIMORE -6.5 vs. Cincinnati: I'm thinking John Harbaugh may have gotten the Ravens attention after that egg they laid at Seahawks Stadium.  Maybe he got the attention of offensive coordinator Cam Cameron too.  Maybe you want to run Ray Rice more than 5 times.  Maybe Joe Flacco throwing 50+ times isn't the best idea for a win.  But this is a division game so the Ravens won't overlook the Bengals and their ginger leader.

GREEN BAY -14 vs. Tampa Bay:  The old Bay of Pigs game (copyright Chris Berman).  This Packers team is looking eerily similar to the '07 Patriots.  You almost can't set the line high enough.  Throw on top of that the Bucs don't do well when the temp is under 40 degrees (gameday forecast is for 36 degrees) and that's a recipe for taking the Pack and if Vegas will let you, tease that to 21 points.

ATLANTA -6 vs. Tennessee: Well, we had our Bill Belichick Memorial Brain Fart last week with the Falcons.  In overtime, going for it on 4th and less than 1 on his own 29 yard line.  Yes, we know Drew Brees is good.  Very possible he moves the ball 40-50 yards to set up a game winning field goal if you punt.  Remind me what the chances are Drew Brees wins if you give him the ball on your 29 yard line.  What, it's 100%?  Mike Smith learns from his mistakes and takes it out on Matt Hasselbeck's Titans. 

NEW ENGLAND -14.5 vs. Kansas City: Do the Patriots ever play on Sunday afternoon anymore?  They're like the Jets where they don't make appearances on CBS or Fox except for a couple games a year.  Normally, this line would be too high with a team with the league's worst defense, but with Cassel out for the Chiefs, Brady at home, and Monday night, I'd take the Pats by at least 3 touchdowns.

ST. LOUIS -3 vs. Seattle: Like the 49ers, we're trying the old reverse psychology with the pick of the Rams.  The main goal for the Hawks needs to be shutting down Steven Jackson.  The Rams have 11 guys on injured reserve so you'd like to think the Hawks have a chance.  But, t

Well, the Hawks head to the land of the Gateway Arch, the World Series champions, random shootings, riverboat casinos, and one of the most boring and sterile arenas the NFL has to offer.  In fairness, my only St. Louis experience has been roaming the concourses of Lambert Int'l Airport, but something tells me that's more than enough.  This week, we go back a few years and preview the game through the musings of Captain Oveur, Ted Striker, Elaine Dickinson, and numerous others who starred in Airplane.

"It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.": Let's be honest, St. Louis and Detroit are pretty much interchangeable here.  The way the Rams have played this year, I'm not sure that the St. Louis brass hasn't populated that locker room with every reject they could find.   

"Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?  No.":  The Rams are dead last in rushing defense.  Given the way the Hawks have been able to run the ball the past 2 games, that bodes well.  They're also 26th in offensive passing yards, an area where the Hawks defense has definitely struggled a bit. Of course the Hawks are 22nd in that category, so I'm not seeing a track meet breaking out on Sunday afternoon.

"Nervous? Yes. First time?  No, I've been nervous lots of times.":  With the number of injuries on the Hawks offensive line, there may be some nerves on edge for the new guys.  But at least we know the crowd won't bug you since there might be 20,000 there but probably not much more.   

"Can you fly this plane, and land it? Surely you can't be serious.  I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.": Marshawn, can you keep up the performance from the last couple weeks? Yes, I'm serious.  I was surprised to hear this week that Lynch had never run for 100+ yards in 2 consecutive weeks until now.  Given some injuries to our receivers, we're going to need a big running performance out of the Beast.  

"Johnny, what can you make out of this? [Hands him the weather briefing] This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...": Chris Myers and Tim Ryan, you may need to get out your origami skills for this game.  I've often made fun of the game that will only be seen by 1.25% of the country.  Well, if this game isn't an example of that, then I don't know what is.  The best part is we'll see a repeat performance in a couple weeks on national television and ESPN gets hosed out of a lot of money they paid to broadcast it. 

"What was it we had for dinner tonight?  Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.  Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.": Is it just me, or when Pete Carroll gets asked a question in a press conference, does he change the subject fairly often?  You can ask about how the wide receivers are performing and he'll start singing the praises of the place kicker.  You ask about a play call on 4th & 1 and he'll start talking about his hormones. 

"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?": Maybe it's just not as out in the open as it is on other teams, but there needs to be some obvious, overt leadership on this team.  Part of it of course is how young this team is, but there are veterans and leaders are needed to keep up the momentum from the Ravens game rather than crapping the bed like the Hawks have been known to do many times in St. Louis.   

"You got a letter from headquarters this morning. What is it? It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.": Steve Spagnuolo, I wouldn't open that letter.  Something tells me it includes a pink slip.  Bringing in the offensive wunderkind Josh McDaniels hasn't exactly worked out has it?  Spending $1.2 billion, or whatever it was, on Sam Bradford, may not have been your best decision, huh?  

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.": Watching this game this weekend, I've got a sneaking suspicion those feelings might make themselves known.  The Hawks can show their fans something by going in and building on the momentum of last week and getting a win.  It's a 1pm Pacific time game so no early morning excuses.  It's against one of the worst teams in the league.  However, there's just something about this game that doesn't sit right.  Let's try a little reverse psychology. 

Rams 21, Sea

Hello. How 'bout that ride in?  I guess that's why they call it Seahawks Stadium and why they call us the 12th Man.  Like the Giants game, I didn't see that one coming.  I heard the pregame shows talking about how Baltimore plays down to the competition at times and that they'd have a hangover (no pun intended) after that great win in Pittsburgh last Sunday night, but rarely if ever do the Seahawks take advantage.  They finally did on Sunday and it was nice to get back a little bit on our season ticket investment with a win like that.  Let's re-live a joyous Sunday afternoon at Seahawks Stadium through The Hangover.

"I lost a tooth! I married a whore!": Like Dr. Stu Price, you know the Ravens are waking up this morning wondering what exactly went on yesterday.  They are certainly the superior team.  They're supposed to have a better defense.  Flacco's supposed to be a pretty good quarterback.  And what happened?  The Seahawks sent them back to Crabcake City with blood coming out of their mouth and maybe even Heather Graham on the team plane. 

"You are a f***ing moron! Your language is offensive. F*** you!": While I couldn't read Pete Carroll's lips from our seats in section 339, I have a sneaking suspicion that exact exchange happened between Pete and the refs.  In particular, when Chancellor was flagged for a hard hit.  You look at that again, and it just infuriates you.  If you can't hit a guy in the shoulder/torso region, where you can you hit him?  Yes, his head is going to snap back because when you suddenly stop an object in motion, an equal and opposite reaction occurs.  It does not mean the object was hit in the head!!

"One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.  You are literally too stupid to insult.": A combined quote for both our lines and for the refs in general.  A memo to Carpenter and Okung, pay attention when Tarvaris is telling you the snap count.  It's kind of important.  Failing to do so causes these things called false starts and you two are flagged for way too many of them.  Defensive line, the idea behind the crowd getting loud is that it causes the offense to jump.  All you have to do is watch the ball, then go.  Do you notice what happens to the crowd noise when you're offsides?  I think you do.  To the refs, feel free to hide it a little more that you're obviously trying to tip the game in one team's favor.  A penalty on every other 3rd down that allows Baltimore to keep drives going?  Failing to throw a flag when Baldwin was thrown down 3 feet out of bounds?  Pete Carroll's wallet is happy the Hawks won since I'm sure his post game comments would have cost him $25,000.

"We don't want to call attention to ourselves!  [Phil, while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!": Uh oh.  Now with this kind of win, teams might actually prepare for the Hawks.  They won't be taken by surprise anymore.  This doesn't bode well for the birds of Renton. 

"Funny fat guy fall on face!": While I'm not entirely sure if either of them or funny and they're not exactly fat, but I did love it when Marshawn juked both Ray Lewis and one of the defensive tackles right out of their jocks as he got a huge first down that helped seal the victory. 

"Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?  Who cares, man. Do you know Stu? I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.": We may not see such unexpected wins like the Giants and Ravens in the same season until the next Haley's comet, so let's enjoy this win.  We could very easily lose this momentum on Sunday in St. Louis as we visit the Financial Planning Dome.  So let's appreciate this for what it is and maybe look at it as a step in the right direction  

Well, the second half of the season has arrived.  In this town, right now there's as much excitement for that as for the latest cold front that'll blow through here on Friday.  Not that I can blame anyone.  This team is generating no excitement and showing very little progress.  With the Niners' inexplicable run this year, it looks as though there won't be any miracle playoff quest for the Hawks.  So, I prefer to focus on those things that may be encouraging.  Let's continue to watch this young defense mature and perform.  Let's see if the offensive line can repeat its performance in Dallas with no sacks allowed and getting Marshawn over 100 yards.  Momentum can definitely be built heading towards next year with a strong finish this year.

In the meantime, let's look forward to the Ravens making a rare Seahawks Stadium appearance and preview the game through the eyes of Stu, Phil, Doug, and Alan as they take over Las Vegas.

"See kids, this is where we bring suspects in order to be detained. Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place "Loserville".": At times, I do feel like I'm being held against my will with this team.  They frustrate the life out of me, only to pull me back in with a game like in New York.  I can't get away.  At the same time, I do feel like the rest of country looks and laughs at us up here as we sit in our Loserville seats at Seahawks Stadium.   

"I shouldn't be here. Why is that, Alan?  I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.": I wonder if that was also part of Ray Lewis' agreement when his murder charges were thrown out a few years back.  Speaking of Ray, is it just me, or does he lead the league in "number of times jumping on the pile when a tackle's already been made"?  I'm wondering if his last couple Pro Bowl nominations were just on reputation and that seizure dance he does when he's introduced at home.  Also, show of hands, when Chuck E. Cheese is mentioned, how many of you get a little nostalgic for the days when you dropped a flying elbow on your friends in the ball pit?  Just me?  Ok, I'm fine with that.

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.": Pete, would you please find a way to use Zach Miller a little more?  You're giving this guy $19 million over the life of his contract and all he is right now is a blocker that's allowed to go further downfield than everyone else.  I feel like I come away from every game this year asking the same question.  It's getting a little weird.  Thankfully, we don't have to see you walking around in whitey-tighties while asking this question.  

"Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.  Understood.  Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.": I find myself thinking the same thing about our offensive staff.  I don't necessarily want Bevell calling plays since there's obviously something wrong with him.  At the same time, it's not like anyone else around there knows what they're doing on offense. 

"Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.  Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.": Charlie, don't get confused on Sunday.  If Tarvaris re-injures his pec, they're going to Josh Portis.  Just slide it on back to the bench there buddy.  We know what you can do.  Just stand there with a clipboard and pretend your sending out signals.  Maybe go over and pick up the phone so it looks like you're talking to someone upstairs.  I don't care if it's the caterer and you're making sure your postgame sushi roll doesn't have wasabi in it.  Just stay away from the field.

"How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning. [the kid tasers Alan] *In the face! In the face!*: Come on Tarvaris.  It's eye of the tiger time.  It's time to focus and harness the 50,000 volts you've got in Sidney Rice and Mike Williams.  And if you happened to burn Ed Reed in the face, that's all the better.  

"Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?  No, I'm not cool with that.":  You know what I'm not cool with?  I'm not cool with Pom Pom Pete continuing to speak in mean-nothing platitudes at his press conferences, particularly when he uses the term "stuff".  "We've got stuff we can do better".  "These guys are learning lots of new stuff".  What are you, 15?  At least you're not like a number of your players when they're interviewed who say "you know" every 2.8 seconds.  I'd suggest a drinking game whenever someone on that defense is interviewed where you have to drink whenever he says "you know", but I'm afraid people would die before the interview was over. 

"Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?": C'mon Hawks.  Let's show the nation we still have a little fight left in us.  Baltimore's already lost to Jacksonville this year, so there's no reason we can't beat them in our house.  I don't care if that's cockeyed optimism and it's a little too much Pom Pom

Well, that was pretty much a debacle yesterday wasn't it?  Interceptions, penalties, missed tackles (and after watching all the missed tackles in the Washington-Oregon Saturday night it frustrated me even more).  All up, it was a very familiar looking road game for the Hawks and that's a recipe for problems.  The Hawks would much rather have an angry fan base than an apathetic one and I'm worried that with what we've seen lately, apathy is firmly on the horizon.  They better put together a decent performance on Sunday against a stumbling Baltimore team or that could be a pretty empty stadium in the month of December.  Anyway, on to the review of the game through the lens of Varsity Blues.

"Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts. That's funny.  Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.": Well, I'm not sure how funny it was, but that game was most definitely a further shot to the tender regions if you're a Hawks fan.  Sure, it would have been more painful had they actually lost in a more painful fashion.  This was more like one of your kids jumping on you wrong as opposed to a foul ball hitting you when you were sans cup.   

"What the hell kind of formation is that? Kilmer's gonna eat his ass, watch this...":  I did find myself wondering what formations were being trotted out there at times yesterday.  We needed to take more advantage of a Dallas secondary that's pretty suspect.  Seeing the no-huddle a little more often would have been nice as well.  I understand it hasn't been as successful as it was in New York, but still.  

"You got to be the dumbest smart kid I know.": We saw again a phenomenon that's making me wonder how intelligent this team is.  Again, we had double-digit penalties yesterday.  It seems that almost every other kickoff or punt there's a penalty on the Hawks.  The coaching staff has to get that under control as field position is very important for this team.  The number of false starts and offsides penalties is maddening since that shows a lack of focus.  I know this is a young team, which I would expect to have some of these problems early in the year.  I don't expect this to be a growing problem halfway through the year.

"It makes me wonder if you know the different between a sneeze and a wet fart!": Tarvaris, you do know the difference between throwing the ball away and throwing into double-coverage, right?  Are you aware that when you throw a deep ball to Sidney Rice out of bounds, he can't go get it?  Granted, I know Charlie wouldn't have been any better, but your offensive line put forth a pretty decent effort yesterday and you squandered that.   

"I raised you to be a winner, so dammit boy, win!": The only potential positive for Hawks fans would be that if any of you happened to make a wager in a Vegas sports book.  With that final touchdown, the backdoor cover was complete as the line was Dallas -11.5 on Friday.  I know it's not much of a consolation, but when you're 2-6 you start grasping as straws.  

Ok, it's the triumphant return of the Friday picks column.  Let's see if we can't get back to the plus side and make a little money for those who may be winging on down to Vegas this weekend.

OAKLAND -7.5 vs. Denver: TebowMania invades the Black Hole.  Although the mania's a little subdued after that Whitehurst-esque performance Tebow trotted out there last week at home against the Lions.  Speaking of the Lions, if they can have a guaranteed home game every Thanksgiving, why can't the Raiders be guaranteed to have a home game the Sunday closest to Halloween?  Granted, every home game there's a little like Halloween, but you know the Black Hole goes all out when the actual holiday rolls around.

BUFFALO -1.5 vs. NY Jets: After their non-home game, home game in Toronto last week, the Bills actually return home to Rich Stadium (I won't call it Ralph Wilson Stadium, who names a stadium after themselves?) to take on Rex Ryan's foot fetish and the Jets.  Mark Sanchez is going through a Sam Bradford-like regression.  This team is ugly when it's on offense.  Sorry to my friend Shani who's a huge Jets fan, but Fred Jackson runs all over the defense and Buffalo wins.

Cincinnati +3 at TENNESSEE: Beware the rookie ginger QB.  Andy Dalton looked pretty good up here in Seattle last weekend.  Their backup RB looked pretty good as well against the best rush defense in the NFL (on a ypc basis).  I think this Bengals team is smelling a wild card and they need this win to keep themselves in the hunt. 

NEW ORLEANS -8.5 vs. Tampa Bay: Thanks a lot New Orleans.  Why did you have to go and give hope to St. Louis last weekend through that putrid performance you put out there?  Did someone forget to remind you that you couldn't take any of those 62 points you laid on Indy the previous week and transfer them over?  However, the Saints are back in the cozy confines of the Dome against a Tampa team that seems to be slipping. 

ARIZONA vs. St Louis (under 41).  Changing it up a little bit here and going with the under.  This is one of those games that'll be seen by 0.78% of the country and Fox may not even send a guy to do color commentary.  On top of that, there's a possibility we may have a pillow fight between AJ Feely and Max Hall.  If the Browns-Seahawks game set football back 5 years, this game may set it back another 5. 

NY Giants +9.5 at NEW ENGLAND: Yes, the Pats are at home and yes the Giants needed a late TD to prevent being the Dolphins first victory last week.  But, the Pats defense is awful and the Giants know their division is there for the taking.  Plus, there may be a little distraction in the Pats locker room after one of their backup WR's was charged with giving a gal The Shocker in a Boston bar last week.  Hey Edelman, if you need to do stuff like that, call up Gronkowski and get him to introduce you to his new adult movie actress friend. 

KANSAS CITY -4 vs. Miami: It's one of our Elmer Fudd games.  Be vewy, vewy quiet.  Vegas got all hot and bothered over Miami almost pulling one out in New York last week.  But this Kansas City team is on a 4-game win streak right now and tied atop the division.  The tailgating gets kicked up another notch this week and the Chiefs keep on rolling. 

Green Bay -5.5 at SAN DIEGO: Good grief Philip Rivers looks awful this year.  In the words of Ron Burgundy, "this is bush, this is bush league!!"  How do you fumble like that when you're easily in game-winning field goal range?  Plus, as Bill Simmons will tell you from experience, Norv Turner's one of those guys that will never hit 16 vs. a face card in blackjack.  Those kinds of guys aren't winners.  As much as I enjoy Mitch's drunken show when the last undefeated team goes down, it won't be this week.

PITTSBURGH -3 vs. Baltimore: Our second Elmer Fudd game this week.  You know Pittsburgh is looking for payback after the 34-3 drubbing Baltimore put on them to open the year.  Plus, Baltimore's been shaky (and that's been kind) lately.  The Terrible Towels won't be stomped on this week and Pittsburgh wins by at least 10.

WASHINGTON +3.5 vs. San Francisco: You mean to tell me the Whiners are going to go to the eastern time zone 4 times this year and win all 4 games?  Maybe this is wishful thinking, but I have to believe they'll remember they're the Niners eventually.  You know what, friendly piece of advice.  Don't bet on this game.  You're either betting that an NFC West team wins on the east coast or you're betting money on Rex Grossman and/or John Beck.  If you want your stomach in your throat, go on one of the rides at the top of the Stratosphere.

HOUSTON -10.5 vs. Cleveland: They're getting Andre Johnson back and that's enough for me.  Our friends from the tailgating championship will have a lot to celebrate on Sunday afternoon.

INDIANAPOLIS +7 vs. Atlanta: Eventually this cruel joke has to end doesn't it?  There's no way the Colts should get to go from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck, right?  Atlanta's a fraction of what they were last year and maybe the Painter the Colts hired actually gets something done on Sunday.

Chicago +7.5 at PHILADELPHIA: It's Monday Night Football from the city where they have to have a jail in the stadium to deal with those classy Eagles fans.  I think we see again where Vegas got all hot and bothered over the Eagles big win last Sunday night against Dallas and made this spread a bit too big.  Chicago's coming off a bye after their week in London and they'll be ready to go.  Might not win, but should keep it close.

DALLAS -11.5 vs. Seattle: Hmmm....you know, it's the 2nd time this year the Hawks have been the biggest underdog on the board and the last time that happened they made ourselves at home in the Meadowlands.  Could it happen again?  Nope.  Pom-Pom Pete will sit there with that blank expression on his face with Paul Silvi Sunday night and try to explain in

As we reach the halfway point of the NFL season after this week, time to take a quick look at where the Hawks stand.  Ugh.  That just about sums it up.  They've been maddeningly inconsistent by being able to win handily in the Meadowlands and then turn around and only score 3 points in Cleveland.  They give Atlanta a huge lead, only to just about come back and win in the second half.  The only consistency is being shutout in Pittsburgh.  As a season ticket holder, all I want out of the second half is to see some progress that will give us hope for next year.  Let's see this young defense continue to get better.  Let's see this young offensive line gel a little bit.  Let's finally see Pom-Pom Pete (copyright The Magnolia Dynamo) admit giving $8 million and a couple draft picks for Charlie Whitehurst wasn't his brightest move. 

In the meantime, it's time for what feels like the Hawks annual trip to Dallas.  It's Texas, it's football, so put on your whipped cream bikinis and let's look at this game through the lens of Varsity Blues.

"Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!": Just in case the offensive line didn't get a chance to watch the Sunday Night game last week, DeMarcus Ware's pretty good.  Tom Cable better come up with a plan to slow him down at least a little.   

"Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance? You know what it's called? What? The New Tweeder End Zone Dance.": I could care less if the Hawks can't come up with a catchy name for an end zone dance.  In the name of all that is good and decent, I just want you to have the opportunity to display one!!  The offense the last 2 weeks has been embarassing.  Tarvaris throws for over 300 yards in 3 quarters on Sunday and you only get one TD?  Can't happen again.   

"It's a strip club, man. I'm here to work!": One of the more disturbing scenes of the movie as Billy Bob gets down to his drawers before being offered a beer to step off the stage, it brings to mind the disturbing nature of the offense.  I understand we're lacking talent just about everywhere on offense.  The line can't block, the receivers can't get open, T-Jack can't make reads without having 10 minutes back there, etc. etc. etc.  Well, at some point, doesn't this fall on the offensive coordinator?  How are you a coach this long without devising some kind of scheme that actually works with the talent you've got (and there most definitely is some talent).   I'll give Darrell Bevell this though, at least he's not throwing multiple fade passes on 4th and short. 

"She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.":  Oh Charlie Tweeder.  You wonder if either Tony Romo or Miles Austin said the same thing when Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian left those two, respectively.  Granted, Romo got over that fairly quickly and with a huge upgrade to a former Miss Missouri.  I wonder if Miles is having himself a good chuckle at what happened to Humpdashian this week.  Or maybe it's relief realizing he dodged a huge bullet.   

"Congratulations for what?  For getting to wear such cute "mountme" hats. Mount me?  Not right away. Maybe after a few drinks...": I kinda felt like the police officer in that scene when Pom-Pom Pete was talking about how some of his decisions on Sunday were hormonal.  Hormonal??!!  Granted, over the course of human history rushes of testosterone have certainly caused men to do dumb things.  See Bill marrying Hillary, Tom marrying Roseanne, the entire run of the Golden Girls when some guy would willingly go out on a date with Dorothy.  But don't tell me some rush of hormones makes you forget that the clock doesn't stop after a first down in the NFL and you don't have any timeouts left.  You throw into the end zone or kick the field goal right away.  

"If we go out and half-ass it 'cause we're scared, then we'll always wonder if we were really good enough. But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?":  Ahhh...nothing like a good pep talk right before the climactic part of the movie.  Plus, you get to hear Dawson in a very iffy Texas accent.  But Seahawks, take that message to heart.  No half-assing.  No excuses just because it's a 10am pacific start.  We roll back our clocks this Sunday, so you should get enough sleep.   Then again, I'll channel the comedian Ron White when I talk about the Hawks, "we've met".  Apart from what is now looking like a complete fluke in New York, this team doesn't surprise anyone on the road.  While a 12-point spread seems a little high for a team quarterbacked by Tony Romo, it's well deserved.

Cowboys 24, Seahawks 10