"What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself? Yes, I did. Oh, it reeks of taste!" Actually Candlestick just reeks, particularly when the tide rolls out or when the convicts on work release (aka Niner fans) roll in. One of these days, that thing is either going to cave in or be pushed into the bay by the next big earthquake. You only hope the folks who think it's perfectly acceptable to stab someone for wearing a Cowboys jersey are inside when that happens.
"Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?" But apparently it's perfectly legal to let 70,000 of them congregate and harass, intimidate, and generally annoy anyone who may have the misfortune of looking at a Niner fan (even a fellow Niner fan) with a slightly upturned lip. As was said last year during a preview, do the world a favor, pull your lip over your heads and swallow.
"I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness." Just so we don't discriminate against female 49er fans, wanted to make sure they got their mention this week. In the words of Ron White "don't leave anybody out, that's my policy".
"Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals." Who wants to bet Jim Harbaugh drives a Mercedes? Did you hear that clown on his conference call with the Seattle media earlier this week? Gives new meaning to the term jackass. You'd think anyone nerdy enough to wear a sharpie around his neck on the sidelines wouldn't be the biggest bully on the block, but I guess you never know. I'll grant you, some of those questions were tiresome, but you don't have to treat the people who've helped make you rich and famous as if they're beneath you either.
"This is exploitation. It's not fair!" And yet because the NFL is the juggernaut that it is, the Hawks have the joy of playing on a short week. It would be nice if we went back to the time when college football was on Saturdays and pro football was on Sundays/Mondays. But it just ain't gonna happen. There's too much money to be made and too many fan bases to piss off by having to try and get to a game in the middle of the week at 5:30. Warning: Personal Rant Coming! If the NFL wants to keep its stadiums full over the coming years, got to get serious about how they treat the fans that come to their games in person. The fan experience at stadiums is mediocre at best (unless of course you're at Seahawks Stadium). You have to put up with expensive parking (unless you tailgate with us), overpriced beer/food (again, unless you tailgate with us), potentially being physically assaulted, freezing your ass off in the northern half of the country after Nov. 1, a TSA-like security experience just to get in, and then another hour just trying to get out of the parking lot on the way home. Now thing about having to do that in the middle of the week for more and more games. Combine that with home setups and man-caves that are light years ahead of where they were 10 years ago, and you can see the NFL's golden goose beginning to turn a shade of light blue from being choked to death.
"I... am... job. Do you speak English? I... am... job!" Well, we know Frank Gore can't read English, so there's a possibility he can't speak it either. Big key tonight is keeping him bottled up like the Hawks have been able to do recently. If you force the Niners to throw, that's how you beat them, particularly if you can get an early lead. Alex Smith showed his ability to turn into the old Alex Smith last week when the Giants forced him to throw.
"Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special." Leon Washington, looking right at you. This Niner team is in the bottom three (not bottom third, bottom 3) in kickoff and punt coverage. With the pretty darn good defense they're going to run out there, we need you to flip the field position in the Hawks favor tonight.
"Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch." I can't guarantee that phrase wasn't spoken at the tailgates last weekend. Yes, plural. Had a great time with the KJR Kares one for the Huskies on Saturday and a triumphant return to the true Hawk Alley on Sunday after my little vacation in the ICU. Great to have everyone down there. Not surprisingly, there was a palpable difference on Sunday. You all in Hawk Alley were certainly more intense than what I saw on Saturday.
"I have two girls and a boy. Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one." Sorry, couldn't resist one last shot at the majority of the cesspool of humanity that will fill Candlestick Park tonight. Hawks fans, and particularly are Seahawker brethren from the northern California chapter, keep your heads on a swivel. You might find yourselves in a viscious cockfight down there tonight. Make sure to have your trusty tridents on hand in case you need to stab someone back in the heart.
"[Trying to get false teeth out of glass] Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth." C'mon Hawks, seize the teeth right out of Alex Smith's mouth. Take out a few of Vernon Davis' molars. Nobody would be sad if Michael Crabtree were missing a few bicuspids at the end of the night. I would certainly like it if Randy Moss were missing a few incisors tomorrow morning. This feels like a team that has potential destiny. It feels a little like the '05 team that was winning games it wasn't "supposed" to. Could that happen again tonight? Let's climb aboard that Dare To Dream Express and sit up in first class. Go Hawks!!
Seahawks 24, 49ers 13